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Deep thoughts from the dark
I have been thinking recently about how I survived being suicidal for so long. Like I didn’t get close to attempting it after that first year. That first year I made plans more than once, wrote goodbye letters, and was very active in the process of choosing the right date and time. After that year,…
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One Trick Pony
I have thought a lot about this blog and what I want to do with it and not do with it. I have read many other blogs and articles about how to write a successful blog. On one hand there seems to be some “conventional” wisdom about blogging and on the other, a “fuck it,…
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Dear High School Friend,
A little over two years ago, we became friends again. Way back at the end of our teens, we stopped talking. After dating for two years and me repeatedly hurting you, I hurt you for the last time. But only because I had to let you go. You represented a past that made no sense…
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I remember
After talking to my wife extensively this week, I have decided that my brain is still turning to certain pathways in my brain that are well worn, but not effective. Life was different when I was just surviving and I had to do what I needed to survive. But I don’t need those coping mechanisms…
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I feel icky
My dad has a podcast. Sometimes we both go on and talk about whatever. Usually it’s current events, or news and views as he calls it. I love football. I have loved football for a long time. I am able to remember so much of it, like players’ names, stats, scores, life stories, whatever. But…
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Disappointment
Definition – sadness or displeasure caused by the nonfulfillment of one’s hopes or expectations. I have never, in my entire life, been so happy to be disappointed. I had the phone call I posted about earlier. It was going well until he dropped the bomb that to use the benefit I am approved for, I…
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Future plans
Today I have a phone call later with an admissions person from a program I’m considering applying to soon. I was approved for a program with the VA that allows me to participate in a program that the VA will pay for and I will also get a housing stipend. It’s called VRRAP and that…
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No Apologies
So two days ago, I was a little ahead. I actually had my therapy and med appointments today. My therapy appointment today was great. I was able to go a little deeper with her today and let her into a bit more of me. She listened and her facial expressions were very validating. The most…
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Why Me?
So often when I think about the question “Why me”, I think about it in a very negative way. Like someone upset with what’s been done to them but some psychopath or why they have to deal with an illness or condition that sucks. For a long time I have been trying to reframe the…
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Zander's Inside Voice 