Tag: Mental Health
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Two years ago
I lived almost a thousand miles from where I live now. I was finalizing my retirement from the Air Force. I was deciding what the rest of my life was going to look like. I was having horrific nightmares every night. I was scared of everything. I had recently learned how to manage my panic…
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That painful conversation
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about what I want to talk about with my dad for that relationship class we are doing. I am going with the infantilizing thing, but there’s a lot to it. I want to make sure I get as much as possible in the conversation and I hope he…
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The Inner Voice
Three years ago: Inner Voice-You are stupid. You make bad choices. You do everything wrong and you are worthless. You married someone that isn’t right for you way too soon. You didn’t even know this person. You are dumb. You had a kid too fast. Then you had three more kids. You are a fucking…
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Here we go again…
My psychiatric nurse practitioner was not open to me trying anything new for ADHD. She wanted to increase my Adderall so that I am now taking the max dose per day for adults. I loved the Adderall at first. Even the smallest dose made a huge difference initially. It was like it turned all the…
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No more pieces to give
I have officially given away all of my pieces today. Everyone needed something from me and there’s nothing more to give. I feel exhausted and spent. I know some of it is hormonal and some of it comes from being out at an event last night. My oldest tried to call me last night to…
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Deep thoughts from the dark
I have been thinking recently about how I survived being suicidal for so long. Like I didn’t get close to attempting it after that first year. That first year I made plans more than once, wrote goodbye letters, and was very active in the process of choosing the right date and time. After that year,…
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One Trick Pony
I have thought a lot about this blog and what I want to do with it and not do with it. I have read many other blogs and articles about how to write a successful blog. On one hand there seems to be some “conventional” wisdom about blogging and on the other, a “fuck it,…
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Dear High School Friend,
A little over two years ago, we became friends again. Way back at the end of our teens, we stopped talking. After dating for two years and me repeatedly hurting you, I hurt you for the last time. But only because I had to let you go. You represented a past that made no sense…
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Disappointment
Definition – sadness or displeasure caused by the nonfulfillment of one’s hopes or expectations. I have never, in my entire life, been so happy to be disappointed. I had the phone call I posted about earlier. It was going well until he dropped the bomb that to use the benefit I am approved for, I…
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No Apologies
So two days ago, I was a little ahead. I actually had my therapy and med appointments today. My therapy appointment today was great. I was able to go a little deeper with her today and let her into a bit more of me. She listened and her facial expressions were very validating. The most…