No Apologies

So two days ago, I was a little ahead. I actually had my therapy and med appointments today. My therapy appointment today was great. I was able to go a little deeper with her today and let her into a bit more of me. She listened and her facial expressions were very validating.

The most validating part was her acknowledging that Zander is a little boy and that makes sense. She said as I continuing working on accepting myself and living authentically, little Zander will grow up in time. I love that. Zander feels like maybe 6 or so years old and the idea of raising myself scares me. But at the same time I know I can do it. The best part is that I know exactly what I need to feel supported.

She has been encouraging since the very beginning. She gives me the courage to challenge myself and push through some of the hard things I’m dealing with. I feel more and more like I can really be myself and I don’t have to care about what other people think. I can live with no apologies, which is so new to me. When I think about my future, I feel happy and hopeful. It’s crazy to think that there was a time when I refused to allow myself to feel anything. I just kept myself under wraps and did not want to know myself or share myself.

The more that I think about what I want from life, the more I realize that I wasn’t living before. I was just surviving. Life felt terrible and like I was meant to be unhappy for the rest of my life. I don’t want to think about how I could’ve continued living in misery instead of trying to feel better. I didn’t even know what I could do to feel better. Every day was just a monotonous mess that felt endless. It’s sort of like I was not even in my own body. I was just autopiloting in misery.

My wife was a huge part of that early healing. The other huge part was leaving the Air Force. My wife taught me that I could have hope again and look forward to something. And leaving the military was very needed. I was sad to end that chapter of my life and to process all the things I had just shoved down. But once I got through all of that, I was very grateful that I left when I did. I had an option to stay in a couple more years, but I did not want to do that at all. It was time to move on and start dealing with everything. I wish I had left sooner. I sacrificed too much of myself for too long. And I forced the kids into sacrifices that really sucked for them. I don’t regret that, because I did do awesome things in my military time. But I have learned so much about myself and why I need to take charge of my own life and live how I want to live.

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