Tag: depression
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Two years ago
I lived almost a thousand miles from where I live now. I was finalizing my retirement from the Air Force. I was deciding what the rest of my life was going to look like. I was having horrific nightmares every night. I was scared of everything. I had recently learned how to manage my panic…
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The Inner Voice
Three years ago: Inner Voice-You are stupid. You make bad choices. You do everything wrong and you are worthless. You married someone that isn’t right for you way too soon. You didn’t even know this person. You are dumb. You had a kid too fast. Then you had three more kids. You are a fucking…
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Deep thoughts from the dark
I have been thinking recently about how I survived being suicidal for so long. Like I didn’t get close to attempting it after that first year. That first year I made plans more than once, wrote goodbye letters, and was very active in the process of choosing the right date and time. After that year,…
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I feel icky
My dad has a podcast. Sometimes we both go on and talk about whatever. Usually it’s current events, or news and views as he calls it. I love football. I have loved football for a long time. I am able to remember so much of it, like players’ names, stats, scores, life stories, whatever. But…
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No Apologies
So two days ago, I was a little ahead. I actually had my therapy and med appointments today. My therapy appointment today was great. I was able to go a little deeper with her today and let her into a bit more of me. She listened and her facial expressions were very validating. The most…
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Dear Mom,
I started to handwrite this letter a few months ago, but had to stop because it overwhelmed me. You have no idea how much I have held inside all of these years. Every time I tried to get right with what happened and who you are, I feel this immense pain bubble up inside me.…
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Suicide
(Please be aware that I talk very openly and candidly about my own experiences with suicide. If this is not something easy for you, please don’t continue reading or read with caution. This is not meant to hurt or trigger anyone else.) I understand that suicide is something that is very difficult to talk about…
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Traumatic Independence
I first heard about independence as a result of trauma earlier this year. It blew my mind because as long as I can remember, my parents told me I was born independent. I think part of that is my personality and the other part is based on trauma. I’ve read a lot on attachment to…
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Something a little unexpected about me…
I LOVE musicals. I always have. Grease, The Sound of Music, Phantom of the Opera, etc. I love all of it. Today I saw the Frozen musical at the theatre. It was awesome. The little one came with us and she really enjoyed it too. She wore a fancy cat dress and had a good…
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The kids have all gone to school…
and I have wasted no time taking that deep dive into my soul. It’s like I need to be without them to really look inside. The second I felt myself look inward, I knew today was going to be one of those days. Something is sitting on the edge in there, wanting to get out…