The blockage is still there inside me. I am not sure why or what it relates to, but I am starting to feel that there is a trauma that is unacknowledged, unspoken, and definitely in my way. It’s taking away everything I enjoy like writing, and even the optional lacrosse practices that I committed to assisting with but have only been able to show up to one time.
I am finding that I can’t get things done like I want to, even fun things for me that I want to get done so badly. I can feel that there is something stirring, something that feels bad and hurts. But what could it be? I feel like I have poured out my deepest darkest secrets to my wife and to my therapist.
But I still feel something lurking inside me. Something I can’t remember because it hurts too much. Something that I am ready to know about myself, but it can’t come out yet for some reason. Maybe there’s something I don’t understand about myself or something that goes way way back that I have started working on, but haven’t honored as being important in my development as a person.
I am not sure how to figure this out and find the starting point to being the healing process. I have had memories come back to me in flashbacks, floods of unpleasantness, reminders from music and tv shows, and in conversation about related topics. But this thing feels bigger than all of the things I’ve already conquered and put back in the past. This trauma feels different and maybe more scary because it’s like I don’t want to remember it for some reason.
It’s been lurking back in there for awhile. I can feel when it started haunting me and making me feel like I wasn’t enough and I couldn’t get things done. It feels like it radiates out from some darkened place inside me. It touches on everything, every other trauma I have already processed and put aside. It sees where I am weakest and it knows how to bring me to my knees. I guess that’s what scares me the most. This thing is the beginning of all of it. This thing is what started me on a path of pain. This is where I felt the broken pieces of me breaking in real time my whole life. This is what makes me feel worthless and hopeless.
I can conquer it. I know I can. I have conquered everything else the world has thrown at me, so I can take this down too. If I have already built so much of myself back up from the first breakdown, then I don’t need to come all the way back to completely broken to fix it. But I have to get honest with myself, I have to let myself feel SOMETHING very painful and ugly to conquer it. I can do it.
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