Going to my last ever (as we know it) college reunion this past weekend was one of the most defining moments of my adult life. It felt important to go because I knew so many people that were also going, but I also wanted to take the time to savor the moments I had there. There were some rough times, but mainly it was pretty awesome.
Life since college has been a huge disappointment. It was like I lost myself somewhere between college and adulthood. Those pivotal years of wandering around aimlessly, working at jobs I was overqualified for but not really knowing what I wanted to do beyond that. Until I basically fell into the Air Force and committed to a military career. That gave me drive and focus with clear goals. Get to 20 years and retire, however you have to do it. And along the way, I took over the reins of shaming myself from my parents. “You aren’t good enough, smart enough, focused enough, just plain enough. You will never amount to anything, you will never achieve anything, you are nothing.”
That internal narrative robbed me of so much. It destroyed my miltary career, although I was able to retire. I suppose destroy is a bit of a harsh word since I did retire and set myself up for the life I enjoy now. But I felt so ashamed of who and what I was. I was nothing because that’s what I told myself and what my parents told me I was. It was who I turned into. I focused on the worst parts of myself and continually punished myself for existing. I forgot who I used to be and who I can still be.
I found the piece that thought I made it when I was in student government. That person took chances and never looked back. That person was bold and enjoyed doing difficult things that other people shied away from. That person knew exactly who they were and was proud of it.
I found the piece that wrote a 38 page thesis about Roald Dahl the fall semester of my senior year. That person enjoyed being unconventional and loved being different. That person never cared about fitting it with everyone else. That person enjoyed being alone and doing what they loved versus following a crowd. That person was brave.
I found the piece that played two sports for three years and three sports my senior year. That person enjoyed the physicality of sports and using my body to achieve goals like winning games and accomplishing things I didn’t think I could do. That person loved being on a team, win or lose. That person worked through injuries and never gave up, no matter how much they hurt.
I found the piece that loved creating. That was inspiring people and had no idea. That person didn’t care what others thought of their ceations and artwork and just kept on going. That person was never discouraged and just lived in the moment. That person could see color and feel happiness while creating. That person was all about art and loved getting new supplies and learning new techniques.
I found me this past weekend. In every conversation, every interaction, I was able to take something away about who I am and who I used to be. What was so rewarding was to find that I was more on track with who I am back in college than I became in the years since. I let the essence of who I am be washed away by the harshness of the world and people around me. I started listening to the naysayers and the people who wanted to crush me. And the more I listened, the more I found those types of people. And the more crushing defeat they heaped onto me, until I was a shell of a person.
With a huge roar, I feel myself standing proudly now, looking back at the shell I used to wear to protect me but actually it wore me down too. It’s gone now, completely. The person that is standing is happy, confident, looking forward to the future, appreciating the past so much more, loving who I really am and nurturing myself through these last remnants of pain. I am not confined by my weaknesses or my failures. I am not reinvented or reworked. I was also exactly who I was meant to be and I don’t need to change any of that to please anyone.
I am me. I am enough.
Leave a Reply