Zander's Inside Voice

This situation is hard.

But I am doing ok. I am frustrated but not freaking out. My body remembers the physical fear I used to feel. Sudden movements find me on edge often. I am annoyed, but not revealing anything about how I feel.

Parents #2 texted my wife and I last night, thanking us for the hard work we are doing and volunteering to help us in any way they can. We are not relaxing the rules for our new “guests.” We don’t leave dishes hanging around anywhere. We clean up after ourselves. We go to bed at a reasonable time. We eat dinner at a normal time. Dishes are done each and every night. It’s a clean house 99.9% of the time.

I had a therapy appointment today and I talked SO MUCH. I told her how I am holding my boundaries and being considerate of everything my mom is concerned about too. And my main success for today is scheduling a counseling evaluation intake for Boy #1 next month. He’s in a rough spot and not feeling all that great. He’s been slow to adjust to his new life, but being with all of his siblings is the best therapy ever. The boys are happy to be reunited and all of them seem so at ease with each other.

But the three that live here are a little off. Slightly anxious. Not really all that interested in spending much time with the other guest. Annoyed with the constant interruptions in their usual life.

I’m not sure how long this can go on. The training has been pushed back again, supposedly. I need for this training to happen. I need my old life back plus Boy #1. I like having him around. I want to make things better and give him what I was unable to give him before when I was slowly dying and just wanting to end it all. He is so kind and sensitive so he feels too much. Way too much. He was sad so much of the time that I was sad. The only reason I survived some of those really rough years was because of him. Because I knew that me offing myself would show him that he should do the same. His life has barely begun. The world needs him and the creations that haven’t come out of him yet. He has so much artistic and musical ability. His tortured soul has so much to do before he can go.