After that great college reunion where I found those lost pieces of who I used to be and still want to be, I spent some time being happy and feeling relieved because I found myself again. And then I told my therapist all about it. And because she’s great at her job and one of the best therapists ever, she gave me a homework assignment…how do all these pieces go together in my day to day life.
That ended the sweet honeymoon period of just enjoying having those pieces back. The first week after that session I was answerless. I had no idea how all that came together to change me. But slowly I started to realize how I had changed since reunion. I had started just going for what I want, like making it known that I want to be on the lacrosse board next year when the new vice president from our team moves up to take over as president. I also told a friend that I would be a mod or admin for the new group she made on social media. She gladly accepted my offer.
And I thought about how I hadn’t been answering Boy #1’s poorly timed phone calls. He had stressed me out repeatedly because he was let go from a job…again. He just calls and drops his problems on me without even asking me how I am. I have been trying to not just solve his problems, but talk him through a thought process to get him to find his own answer. He is on the autism spectrum so he doesn’t necessarily intend to be so self absorbed. I try hard to be patient with him, but the way that his brain works actually can trigger my PTSD. But I haven’t been just answering or immediately texting him back because I am busy. Instead of continuously interrupting my own life, I am fitting him in without being rude to anyone else.
Then I thought about my decision to not acknowledge father’s day with my father. It wasn’t a quick decision. I spent a long time thinking it all through and then choosing what felt best given the circumstances. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have momentary pings of guilt, but I know that those are from old habits and patterns. I was raised to just do what you should do without any thought of your own mental health. I have watched that mentality turn my parents into spiteful, resentful, mean people who don’t even like each other anymore. I don’t want to just let people in who hurt me intentionally. They are playing a game with me and I don’t know the rules, the objectives, or when it’s my turn to play. It’s exhausting to try and figure out what makes things better with them. All I can figure out is that they want me to put the same effort into a relationship with them as I do with everyone else, but without them putting any effort into the relationship. It should be all me doing the work. I should do the chasing, the tending, the recovering, and the reaching out. I did for decades but now I can’t anymore. The people who get my best efforts in a relationship are meeting my energy and effort.
So the biggest thing I’ve done in this “new me but with old pieces from the past me” era is to reconect with my favorite cousin. My youngest cousin from this previous post…(Why?) We always got along really well even though she was a lot younger than me. I helped her get a job where I worked, we went to concerts and movies together, I would stay overnight with her when her parents went out of town and didn’t trust her sister to properly supervise overnight. She posted a picture of my uncle on father’s day and it made me really miss him and my aunt too. I just missed the old days, when I saw my extended family almost once a month, sometimes even more than that. So I wrote to her. She told me about her life and I told her about mine. It wasn’t just surface level stuff, it was a real conversation. And we exchanged phone numbers and decided we were going to text because it’s easier. She texted last night to ask me how my day went. I was so touched and it made me feel good. I felt forced to give up on her years ago because of my parents’ behavior. They didn’t like when I told her things before I told them. They were certain she would tell my aunt and that meant that once again my aunt was better than them.
WHAT?
A huge cascade of things all leading back to insecurities and jealousy over …my aunt? My mom’s brother’s wife? Why? Why does she even matter? Oh, right, because my grandmother used to kiss her ass years ago. And because everyone thought she was SO PERFECT the minute my uncle brought her around. And because she had a social life, got along better with my mom’s cousins than my mom did, and somewhere in there this huge resentment party built up. Got it. But how does all that have anything to do with me telling my cousin good news about my life? Why am I living a censored life because of my parents? Why did I feel like I had to do what they wanted me to do without even thinking about what I wanted? Because that’s the only way to “earn” their love. Comply with their program, get their love. Reject this family member and that family member, get love. Call them every week and get love, regardless of what else is going on. Make contact with them every day and get love. Do everything they want you to do and get love.
But it’s fleeting love. The minute you are sick, busy, focused on your life and family members in your own home, they feel rejected. And when they feel rejected, whether or not you have actually and actively rejected them, they disappear. They don’t answer your messages. They don’t seem to care. They are like ghosts. And even if you think everything was great and there were no issues, they are. You’ve broken an imaginary rule in the imaginary game you didn’t know you were playing.
And new/old me doesn’t play imaginary games. New/old me is direct and only willing to make an effort with people who will consistently reciprocate, or at least have the common decency to let me into their world and tell me why they need time and space. My parents only ever wanted each other in their world. So now they can have that. Me, the horrific burden, has stepped out of their world so they don’t have to worry about me anymore. They can’t or won’t even attempt to meet me anywhere, no matter how hard I tried. They definitely won’t meet me where I am and they won’t let me in to where they are. And so, new/old me is choosing to move on. For good.
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