My college reunion was this past weekend. I didn’t go. I did attend my wife’s last year. But there’s so much I can’t seem to get over with my class. There’s people I can’t stand and people that I’m sure can’t stand me. I was so different back then, so unhealed.
I was with the same person for most of my time in college. We got together second semester of our first year and broke up the first semester of our senior year. Well, I broke up with her, finally. I broke up with her several times over the entire relationship, partly because she would get too close and I was scared and partly because I had a very short attention span and was often tempted by other people. Strangely enough, she and I are actually cool now and often talk about things that might surprise people. I know I didn’t treat her well at all and she knows so much more about who I really am and what I had been through that made me the way I was.
But there’s other people. Apparently most of our old friend group is fine with me and was only upset back in the day because I “disappeared.” Yes, I disappeared. Part of it was partly because of the new girl I was with and the other part was that she ASKED ME to step back from our friend group to give her space and people to talk to. So really it was more on her that I separated from our friends…well, my friends.
She was (and still is) struggling with anxiety. She had her friends from the dorm and some of those people were my friends long before we were ever together. I brought over a large friend group that also became her friends too. And those were “our” friends. That she didn’t always love so much. But she all but took them from me. I’m friends with them on social media and I am sure it would be fine at reunion.
Then there’s the “others” like her best friend. I hate her best friend. She did some really shitty things right at the end of our senior year. We were both in student government at college, and she used her position to torment me with this ex of mine. It was unethical and I should’ve complained to someone about what she did, but I just wanted to graduate. She went to reunion with this best friend, and that made me very hesitant to go.
There’s also the group that feels like they define our class and they drink like they’re still in college. They put themselves into the position to plan everything and that makes me not want to go. There’s other groups that I don’t really care about and those people seem to go every reunion too.
There’s several people who still, to this day, side with my ex even though she’s fine with me. I get it, I was childlike and not a great person. I made so many mistakes. But when you consider things like trying to get myself through college with undiagnosed ADHD, more trauma than any 18 year old should’ve seen, and overprotective parents who kept me extremely immature by sheltering me and not allowing me to live like my peers were. I was always the first one who had to be home, I wasn’t allowed to borrow their vehicles, and they would ground me over every little thing. It was terrible. And it made me struggle with everything in college. They controlled everything about my life, down to how much food I was allowed to have each meal at home. Yes, I was a minor. But the rigid environment hurt me. It broke my spirit in a way that forced me to recreate it in college by being childish and immature to a fault. I remember the way I acted, the goofy things I said and did, and most of all, how many people I hurt because I acted badly most of the time.
It was easy to go to my wife’s reunion because most of those people weren’t in my tight friend group. I was friends with many of them through sports or from my classes. But we weren’t close enough that I could hurt them repeatedly. And by the time I split the campus in the worst breakup ever (or at least that’s how it felt at the time), they were long gone and worried about real adult problems. One person from my class married one of her friends and that person did side with my ex way back in the day, but never was a jerk about it. And when we saw each other last year, everything was fine. Either the past is forgotten or it doesn’t matter anymore. There are other people who won’t be able to do that. Or at least that’s what I believe. I suppose I could be wrong. But the idea of putting myself out there sounds too risky. I could be rejected. Or things could be fine.
The other part that I think really scares me is that I’m not the same person I used to be. I was so closed off. No one truly knew much about me. I didn’t share anything. I didn’t want anyone to see inside me because I always felt like I was worthless and no one would want to know the real me. My secrets were best kept in the dark corners of my soul and I couldn’t open up and possibly let anyone in to see. I shudder inside when I think about everything I was holding inside me. It makes me want to hide in shame. But then I remember that so much of that is out now. So much is gone and not my problem anymore. It’s just…healed. But all of these people remind me of a way different time and I feel myself go back to that scared kid in college, who had to hide everything at any cost. I don’t want to reveal anything, even the healed secrets. I can feel myself not saying much around these people and feeling like I have nothing important to say. I feel myself wanting to retreat inside and not want to share.
Just like I feel myself wanting to delete so much of what I want to write on here. It’s scary sometimes, revealing what’s inside. Letting people know that my mind is going to wander and I have to spend 50% of my energy daily on keeping up with what people are saying to me, what I’m saying, what I am supposed to do, and desperately trying not to forget to pick up a kid, some groceries, the house, whatever it is I am supposed to do. I have days when I get lost in time and suddenly it’s time for my wife to come home and I haven’t even started my self-imposed to-do list. Where the fuck did SEVEN hours go? How will I explain that I completely got lost and did nothing productive? And I didn’t eat lunch because…I wasn’t hungry at the right time and by the time I was hungry, I wouldn’t have been hungry for dinner since it was so late. And now I am hangry because dinner isn’t for another hour. This is my life. This is what I fight inside me every damn day. Everyone else seems to be living this perfect, awesome organized life, I am literally drowning in unproductivity and the nothingness of losing hours of my life doing something I don’t even know.
How can I go to reunion, where I perceive that everyone is so successful and I am…losing hours every day and waging a war in my own head because my entire life feels like a field of unrealized potential, broken dreams, lack of success, no objectives, and a body full of medication to sleep, to function, and to make sure I don’t turn self destructive again. I know I could’ve done better in every part of my life based on intellect and drive. But this bullshit ADHD, it foils me every damn time, even when it comes to something I love. I can’t seem to get so much right and it hurts badly. Most of the time I avoid even going down this road, but certain things bring me right back here. Is it better that I no longer believe I’m an idiot for my “not quite 3.0 college GPA” and I know it’s just a neurobiological issue in my own brain/body? I guess yes, it is better. But when even medication can’t keep me together all the time, it sometimes feels worse. Like I have this constant excuse. “Oh, but it’s my ADHD that makes me not want to do this boring thing…” or “Yeah, I did make this great, very detailed to-do list, but now I am scared of it and don’t know where to start, so I did nothing. And my personal favorite, “Yes, I really do want to change the bulbs in the light post but that also requires me to open the garage, drag the ladder out, suddenly remember I left the bulbs in the house so go back in for those, take the top off very carefully, being extra careful to not lost the hardware needed to put it back, replace the bulbs, keep the ladder out front, come inside to turn on the switch to make sure the new bulbs work, and then go back out to get the ladder, the trash, the old bulbs, throw some of it away, bring any extra new bulbs inside the house, put the ladder back, ALL THE WAY BACK, close the garage door, and get back in the house. All without becoming sidetracked by something else I find in the garage that needs to be done. OHHH, and the bulbs I bought to try have sensors, so if I do it in the middle of the day, they won’t even come on. So that’s a thing I need to remember because otherwise I can’t test them. So do I wait until it’s closer to dark? What if they don’t work and now I have to drag the ladder around again. I’m overwhelmed just thinking about all of it, so best to force myself to forget about it until I again sit at my seat and see the box of bulbs, taunting me. They’re supposed to be reminding me. It’s turned into an entire shame spiral now. But I WANT to change the bulbs and get the light post back up and running for my wife.
Thanks ADHD, you’re the best friend/worst enemy ever.
Leave a Reply