Zander's Inside Voice

Today I reached 100 followers! I can’t even believe it! What began as a way for me to anonymously get used to speaking out with my voice and not censoring everything that was coming out of my mouth has turned into something bigger for me.

I tried to have a blog so many times over the years. I would write a few posts that I was too scared to make public and then stop writing completely. I’d then forget my log-in information and never return to these secret blogs. I was trying to find myself in my writing and it wasn’t working because I wasn’t being honest. I wasn’t willing to look as deep as I needed to so I could find myself. That’s all changed since last July.

I find myself sharing thoughts and thinking after something happens that I can’t wait to write about it. I feel myself becoming more open and sharing more with the real people in my life. I recently shared some old pictures of myself on social media and realized afterwards that I had never done that before. No one really knew much about me. I’m sure I appeared boring and bland, with no real personality to most people. Not memorable, I would even say.

But as I’ve looked deep and starting dealing with PTSD from all parts of my life and learning who I really am, I find myself sharing so much more with people. I can be open about my struggles with ADHD. I can share so much more. I talk less about the kids and more about me and who I am. I find myself not wanting to hide anymore. And with that, I don’t care to explain myself anymore. If I need to reschedule something or cancel something, all I say is something came up. I have these different rings of people around me and who gets to know what depends on who I want to share whatever with. I’m not oversharing or staying closed off. I also don’t find myself desperate for connection with someone, anyone like I used to. I pretended friends were closer than they really were. I didn’t think highly enough of myself to find relationships where I was treasured and lived in constant anxiety about being alone.

Sometimes my progress hasn’t seemed so obvious to me, but I have noticed that I can see it clearly since I started blogging. I can see how far I’ve come and where I was just a few months ago. It doesn’t even seem possible that I could have arrived at this point so quickly, but I have. I really have!!

Thank you for giving me a chance, reading my blog, and subscribing. You first 100 followers will always be the most special to me because you enjoyed my writing enough to stick around. Thank you from the bottom of my heart

-Z