Zander's Inside Voice

today I had a therapy appointment.

Once upon a time, when I first retired from the military, I decided quickly that I needed to find a therapist. I checked my new insurance plan to see who was covered around here and chose a place that sounded good. I was randomly paired up with someone.

That someone was awesome. she asked so many intense questions and got me exploring some deep corners of my past and my trauma. it was so much work and so intense. She was finishing up her certification and then she would be on her own. When that happened, i was joyous. She was starting the EMDR certification process. Things were going well. This was the fall of 2021.

She told me she was leaving and going to another place. I was heartbroken. I wondered what I should do. And then she told me where she was going and that I could follow her there. I wasn’t so sad.

So I followed her there. It was great. But then it happened again. Except this time she was leaving counseling completely. I was again heartbroken. I told her I would be fine. But then at the next appointment, I told her that I would like a referral to someone else at this office. She recommended someone awesome.

And after months, I finally got an appointment with the someone awesome.

She was awesome. But before I fully opened up, I asked her would she be leaving soon. She said no. She promised.

And then today she told me that she’s moving out of state this summer. Now, I’m adult enough to know that people move and life changes and whatever. That’s what my brain says.

But my heart feels abandoned…again.

Now what?

I’m not sure what to do. The first therapist is now working in counseling somewhere else. But can I ever trust that she won’t leave again? Can I trust any therapist again? I’m not so sure. Some people have the same therapist for YEARS. Why can’t I seem to find that person?

For today I will feel lost and sad. And try not to think too hard about it. I won’t forget it all, I’m sure, but I’d like to relax and not worry too much tonight. And maybe tomorrow I will do a little bit of research. She told me to text if I need help to process her departure. I find myself checking out of any intense conversation with her. The idea of discussing my sadness with the person causing my sadness feels…wrong. I can’t expect her to not move just because of me, but at the same time…I don’t have to feel ok with this. And I don’t think I ever will.