Zander's Inside Voice

Things here are still stressful.

People are still who they’ve always been. And I am just trying to hold it all together.

But my body is showing me that it remembers the past traumas and pain. It remembers what it’s like to spend all of its energy on just staying alive. Suddenly my appetite changes from day to day. Sometimes I can’t eat enough. And other times I don’t feel like eating anything.

Crippling fatigue is setting back in. I feel it in my limbs primarily. They get heavy earlier and earlier each day. This is too much for me. It’s been one week and one day. We don’t even know when this will end. It’s been almost a week with no further information. It’s not the squatter’s fault that the training keeps getting delayed, but it was the squatter’s decision to quit a job and move here early. The squatter always makes decisions that hurt everyone else while completely avoiding responsibility. I don’t even know if the squatter intentionally crashed in on us like this or it just happened.

All I know is that I’m under a tremendous amount of stress and my body is slowing down to conserve energy for basic survival now. This feels like some kind of cruel experiment. Be myself, which is kind and empathetic, and get my energy sucked out. Be a dick, and feel self-imposed guilt for however long, but protect my space and possibly save myself from this inevitable slow down.

It’s little things I feel changing now. I don’t feel like talking sometimes. I don’t watch the shows I enjoy when I’m alone during the day before the squatter wakes up. I feel like I’m giving up again. I can’t stand being around the squatter in person for this period of time. The squatter doesn’t care about how this affects anyone else. The squatter doesn’t even realize that it’s harming everyone else.

I think if I knew when the end of this was, I would feel better. It feels endless now. I don’t understand living like the squatter does. Why rush up here and burden other people when you already had a place to live and a job? Now the squatter talks about needing to file for bankruptcy if the training doesn’t start soon. Or needing another job. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? Why would you rush up here WEEKS early and not think that maybe you would be burdening other people? Especially when your finances are so delicate. Think before you act. Don’t make rash decisions.