Zander's Inside Voice

I had that conversation this morning and it went…surprisingly well. I wasn’t nervous at all, even while we were talking. I was able to say pretty much everything on my list, some of it casually and other things directly. It was all taken well and I think things will go ok.

What I was most impressed with was me. I stayed calm and unemotional. That’s how I know that I am really over all of this. There are moments when it hurts to remember some specific thing that happened, but for the most part those moments are decreasing quickly. There’s no more sadness, grief, anger, nothing. This must be what healing feels like. There have been moments in my past where it felt like I would never, ever feel healed.

I feel like complete healing with all of my issues is close now. I do know that there are trauma reactions in my body that I can’t control. Those moments suck, but I am learning how to handle them better and sometimes how to look out for myself to prevent them sometimes. But I don’t have those moments anymore where I feel my emotions slide downward quickly anymore. I don’t feel so out of control anymore. I do have panic sometimes, but even that is getting more rare.

It’s amazing what allowing yourself to feel can do for you. Up until the last 2-3 years, I pushed everything down. I told myself that it wasn’t productive and to stay alive, I just needed to keep pushing forward and pretending I was fine. I kept a smile plastered on my face and pretended like a pro. Eventually I broke down emotionally and that was about exactly 8 years ago now. It’s taken me 8 years to work through all of this.

Wow.

It just seemed like a never ending well of pain that has been shooting out of me for all of this time. I know that there is more lingering stuff that I will keep fighting but I am feeling hope now. Hope that I really can feel more normal and hope that there might be an end to all of this terrible pain.

Life feels so much better when there’s hope.