Zander's Inside Voice

There are possible developments on the the horizon that may challenge me. I guess that’s true of anyone, at any given time though.

I have struggled in the past with prioritizing things properly. Like always putting myself last or putting work before my family at the wrong times. It feels like I’m looking at another person’s life when I think back to those times where I was all about work at the wrong times. I sometimes volunteered for deployments to create the timing I needed to be home for holidays or birthdays or whatever. I thought I was putting the kids first by doing this, but what if I didn’t even have to deploy at all? What if I was just going extra times, thinking I was staying ahead of the deployment schedule? I seemed to go so much more than everyone else around me.

And putting myself last has nearly cost me my life more than once. Not taking care of myself was the biggest mistake I ever made. I watched my sanity just fade away over time. I felt so lost and afraid. I felt like I wasn’t good enough for anything and the world would be better off without me. I shudder remembering how awful it was for me back then.

So now I need to work on putting all that I have learned and figured out together to handle the challenges ahead. I know I can do it. I have gotten so much stronger since I got out of the Air Force. I have a lot less stress on my back since the divorce, marrying my amazing and supportive wife, and learning how to parent without someone always trying to make me the bad guy.

Having a true partner has been the real game changer for me. I am not tackling this world alone anymore. I don’t have to keep myself afloat alone. Even though we have the same rough times as everyone else, I don’t feel the same sense of fear that I did in previous relationships. I know she loves me, she isn’t plotting how to take all my money, and I don’t have to pretend to be anything I’m not. That really helps me stay strong and fight my inside battles.