So…
Things are rough in the US right now. I go back and forth between fucking BRING IT and absolute and total fear for these next four years. Honestly I worry more about Child #2 than myself but the absolute worst possible case scenario that anyone can dream up is pretty awful. Concentration camps? Arrested and forced to register as a sex offender for just existing.
Panic management is essential because it’s easy to just put my arms together and dive into the deep end of fear. It’s not as easy to stop the sinking once I let it start. But lately I have been able to stand there at the diving board, staring into the panic pool, and then step away from the fear. To keep myself sane it’s best to not ruminate, imagine, comply in advance. The trans people around me are giving in to the panic and freaking themselves out. It’s bad and I am not denying that. But I can only manage myself and my own panic. My mental health isn’t as fragile as it used to be, but it can be tenuous. I don’t want to lose any progres.
What’s important to me is knowing exactly has been released officially. How can I understand what to do next if I don’t know exactly what I should be fighting. All too often the media and politicans seem to misunderstand exactly what the words are. So the actual impact could be completely different, but still awful, maybe even more awful. But I have read all I can about these executive orders. Politics and biology don’t seem to mesh well together. It’s very convenient to say people born with eggs are female and people born with sperm are male. Explain intersex people born with both. What are they? What about people with any number of various chromosomal deviations that a genetic test would say they or the opposite of what they appear to be?
As someone who has always looked male regardless of what my birth certificate said, I have been harassed by women MY ENTIRE LIFE in the women’s restroom. Everyone acts like it’s something new, but for me it’s been a problem for decades. And since top surgery there is no way I would be safe in the women’s restroom, even though all the bathroom laws want people in the bathroom that coordinates with the sex on their birth certificate. I would be attacked, and harassed by men and women if I tried to comply with that law.
The scared part of me is mostly afraid that all the documents I have corrected to say male will revert to female. Because I don’t currently have a valid passport, that’s not a factor but my new social security card that just arrived today may be a factor. This scared part is also afraid that I will never be able to get a passport with the correct gender since I once had an official passport for the military. And then there’s all the military and VA documentation. That entire process was always weird and could take over a year. Do I even bother now? The scared part of me says no, don’t bother. But the BRING IT part of me wants to just keep requesting it for the next four years unless it happens.
Biology does not mean EGGS=female and SPERM=male. What a strange way to approach all of this. I read an article tonight that said the executive order dealing with protecting women and gender ideology was nothing more than a publicity stunt that won’t make any significant changes. And I don’t agree with that. It really seems like it opens to the door to even more harassment.
I’m adjusting a little bit each day to this new reality. It’s a lot to deal with. But the scared part of me is so much smaller than the BRING IT part. I’m ready to fight for my child, for me, for all of us who never wanted this but have to deal with the misunderstanding and judgment that is only getting worse under this administration.
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