So it’s father’s day. The day that I really didn’t want to deal with. I haven’t heard from my father in forever. If I don’t say or do anything, that is an assumed act of aggression. If I don’t do a big to-do, that means I don’t care. And if I was to do a big deal for him, that would be taken for granted. So, my answer is to do nothing.
A passive act of aggression? Seems like a contradiction to me. The perfect illustration of how I can do no right when it comes to my father. How can someone doing nothing be committing an act of aggression? How can someone reacting to the hurt that has been inflicted on them be the aggressor? These are the questions I don’t have answers to because I’ve been trying to figure it all my entire life.
Who I was inside never mattered. My feelings never mattered. It was easier to yell at me, punish me into compliance, make me afraid of him and of being in trouble, but never giving me the answers on why I was in trouble. “I should know better” was a standard explanation, and everything was always my fault. So why should I spend any time thanking someone for putting *some* money and *some* effort into me, especially since he never tired of telling me it was an adult centered house where all of their needs and wants came before my needs?
Who I am as a person now doesn’t matter either. Because in his mind, I am still his child. A child he feels he needs to defend from his grandchildren who happen to also be my children. A child that is incapable of adult thought and reasoning. I actually am more functional and happy when I have limited contact with him. I don’t feel like a failure when I limit contact. I don’t feel like I am the problem in my family of origin. But when I am talking to him frequently, he tells me the same stories about times he felt he was doing awesome things or all the things I fucked up growing up. Those stories run on constant loop in his head and I hate it.
So my silence will be deafening, I hope. I hope he reflects on why I don’t care to say anything to him today. I am sure he will assume I just fucked it all up and forgot, instead of thinking that I made a choice. I do not care anymore. He can think whatever he wants because I am moved on in my head. I won’t be dragged down by the mistakes and learning experiences of my childhood any longer!
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