Something that I always deal with is recovering after having a depressive episode, an ADHD blockage, or any time I’ve avoided something or someone for awhile is that I have to get things back to what they were before. Sometimes I’ve let something go so long that it’s overwhelming to even attempt to recover it.
Yesterday I painted for the first time in decades. Like, I painted on canvas and started a painting. It was a lot of trial and error and I was remembering things I’d picked up years ago in school about painting. I had too much paint on my brush and the wrong brush for what I was trying to do. I got paint all over me at one point trying to clean my brush. But because I was conquering something from so long ago, it didn’t feel like too much work to relearn all these things because painting itself is enjoyable.
I started out this year with some serious and ambitious goals for blogging and I was really proud of how I started the year. And then it all fell apart and I don’t even know why I didn’t want to blog for months. I would think about blogging and then instantly feel dread about even touching my computer. I still don’t know why I felt like I needed to avoid it all that time. I guess I was just mentally drained and had nothing to write? Who knows. But I feel overwhelmed with trying to get back to where I was in January. It was my best month ever blogging. I was consistent with blogging multiple times almost every day. I felt great about what I was writing. It was something I looked forward to every day. Until I didn’t.
I read through the daily prompts and I just don’t feel like writing about any of them on the list. There are still some that I have already responded to so I guess they just recycle them. And they are old and uninspiring to me. But I did enjoy thinking about a question that wasn’t from my brain and answering it after some thought. I wish I was more inspired by these questions but I’m just not. Maybe there’s a place I can find some other kind of daily prompt that is more interesting.
I have experienced this same kind of overwhelm when it comes to getting fitness back to what it once was. I was once in the most amazing shape and I was so happy. Working out was something I could count on doing every day. And now I can’t do that. I can’t seem to get myself together to do anything. It’s depressing, honestly. I have tried to get myself on a schedule, but then I get sick, there’s a school break, I make an early appointment that interferes with it, someone needs something from me and that takes priority, or I just am too tired and do not feel like it. It makes me feel weak. Why can’t I just get it right? What is actually standing in my way when it comes to getting myself back on track with hard things that take a lot of effort and organization?
So that’s what’s on my mind today. I’m trying not to think too hard about having a three day streak of blogging but it is a good start on getting back to where I was in January!
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