I had a follow up doctor’s appointment today. There’s a newish nurse there that I cannot stand. SHe’s perfectly nice but there’s something about her that bothers me. I pretty much had the beginnings of a panic attack while we were doing the questions and blood pressure stuff. I was sitting there telling myself that she’s nice, she’s fine, she’s whatever but my body is very clearly panicking because I was breathing very shallowly and my blood pressure was higher than normal. In the past I would try to talk myself out of the panic by telling myself she was nice, there’s nothing wrong here, and I was overreacting. But today I let myself feel it and I did not dismiss it.
Thankfully I also had a therapist appointment this afternoon and I brought this up to her. We talked it through and she said it was good that I let myself actually feel and begin to process what my body was dealing with and what made the panic start. As we talked through it, a couple things became clear: There was a somewhat judgy tone talking about needing to answer phone calls, which seemed misplaced since she never ever saw my phone. And she was overexplaining basic things, which I find annoying. I know how this doctor visit stuff works. And I can figure out how to spend my time alone in the room while I wait for the doctor. It felt like she was sort of bossing me around strangely, which I cannot stand. It felt as times like she was talking at a child and not an adult.
Dissecting the experience with my therapist was huge and helped reaffirm that my body will react to triggers even if I don’t know exactly what they are. It also helped me realize that I don’t have to talk myself into anything. If I feel like something is unsafe, I can trust that. I don’t have to “be nice” or allow anyone to override how I actually feel in a situation.
I like how it feels to actually trust myself now. Instead of looking for outside validation, I focus on internal validation. It’s a lot of checking in with myself and understanding how I’m feeling. I’ve come so far and I feel so much stronger than I ever have. I have so much support that I didn’t have when I was at my lowest point. I’m grateful for all of that support too, because I’m not sure I could’ve made it out alone. My life was so dark and hopeless that it seems like another person’s life compared to my life now.
I don’t love discovering that some things still cause panic for me, but I know that it’s likely to continue happening for awhile. As I continue to process all the emotions I could not handle feeling for most of my life, I know that more will come up and I will get through all of that too. I can get through anything!
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