There’s a lot going on around me and there’s even more going on in my head.
If I’m being honest, I’d have to say that I’m not exactly ok. I’m not really depressed or down. I am just not really into anything right now. I’m going through the motions of life mostly. I feel numb at times.
This thing with my dad always being negative towards me is part of it. I’m not internalizing what he said as much as realizing that I exist in his head as the same old brat he knew decades ago. He refuses to get to know me now and instead chooses to focus on who I used to be as a child and teenager.
Top surgery is at the end of the month and I can’t wait. Every day is going by so slowly just waiting for this thing I’ve wanted forever.
Boy #1 seems to have this whole college thing and adulting a little bit worked out. Boy #2 and I visited his #1 choice college this past weekend and it looks really good for him to be accepted. Boy #3 wraps up cross country this weekend and Girl finishes up soccer the same day. She’s still got lacrosse until the last weekend of the month.
And everything feels so out of control, so crazy. I feel like I’m just going along for the ride right now. I have long accepted that the perception of control isn’t a reality and I can go with the flow. But right now that flow feels like I’m hitting a ton of boulders and rapids, and every single one hurts a little more than the previous.
My nervous system is still overwhelmed from everything around me, including the burglary from the end of August. The 4 kids’ cases keep getting continued, which feels asinine to me. I saw them on the Ring camera, identified them from the police pictures, and the deputies caught them walking out of my backyard with items from the house in their hands. But this is the second continuation. Why? They all intend to plead guilty. It’s in juvenile court. What’s the reason for the delays? I get a letter for each person every time, so it’s like this never ending saga that keeps permeating my brain.
Today the Ring alerts me with “There’s a person in your kitchen.” That’s one of the Florida cameras. Immediately my heart started racing and it’s barely calmed down since then. It’s been almost an hour and I still feel all worked up. What was at the camera? A BUG. A FREAKING BUG. I wanted to cry, even though it was obviously not a threat.
There’s a guy coming today to stain our deck and I need to leave before he’s done, so I parked my car in the front yard, on the grass. We don’t love doing that, but short term it’s not a huge problem. Naturally the lawn guy came today, before the deck staining guy. So I knew I had to move my car. I moved it back to the driveway. And naturally the deck staining guy is here and the lawn guy is still here. I’m not even sure if I’m blocked in, but I feel all anxious now. Or I guess it ramped me up after I started calming down from the Ring incident.
Too much of my energy is going to just surviving I think. That’s making me numb myself to everything around me. My fear is that I’m back to not feeling or processing my feelings. That’s such a bad place for me to be.
I’m having a hard time responding to messages and writing people back, even for things I know I need to do. I am an absent friend right now and I hate being that person, but I cannot handle extending myself out like that. I wish I knew what was going on inside me and how I could fix it. I have a therapy appointment next Monday, so I will see how I feel then. I also have a regular doctor’s appointment that morning. Our family schedule has been really busy for the past few months, but it felt manageable. It felt like I have been handling it really well. And now…simple things seem overwhelming. I feel like I have regressed into some previous version of myself that can’t handle anything.
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