This is me, somewhere between 3-4 years old.
I very vaguely remember these pajamas, but I do know without a doubt that I picked them out myself. I think the shirt fit much longer than the pants did because I grew fast in height at this age. I remember the shirt more than the pants, though.
Mostly I remember the days of wanting to be Spider-Man. Jumping all over the furniture with my wrists turned over, pretending to be shooting webs out just like Spider-Man did. Those were the days. I don’t remember anyone telling me that I couldn’t be Spider-Man or making me feel like I was crazy to love pretending.
I see a lot of parents these days concerned about “gender ideology” and fretting that somehow all the kids will turn trans just because they hear about it. But back when I was little, clothes were much more gender neutral and no one worried about making sure girls knew they must love pink and boys knew they must love blue. And somehow, despite the lack of focus on gender, there are still trans Gen Xers like me.
This picture is the earliest one I can find where I’m not wearing some fluffy, frilly thing that my parents chose for me. I am wearing something I chose that I loved and made me feel good. This picture is that proof that once my little brain became more coherent, I knew what I was on the inside, with not a single person trying to tell me who I could and couldn’t be. Right from the beginning, before there was ever a conversation on gender and body parts, I knew what I felt inside me. I knew what I liked for myself.
This picture made me sad for a long time after my mom sent it to me. I am sure they thought it was this adorable moment in time when I was exhausted and needed to get to bed. But what I see is sad. I see a little boy who was confident and comfortable in who he was before the world came along and robbed him of that. I see a child who would become a surly teenager who started cutting to ease the deep pain inside. I see a child who didn’t even realize how hard existing would be later on. I see me, as Spider-Man, before my parents, extended family, and the rest of the world would tell me that I cannot possibly be Spider-Man, even in my own world.
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