I realized a few days ago that I was approaching two weeks of not blogging at all. It wasn’t an intentional break, more of a need to retreat inside myself and keep my boundaries up with the squatter. Thankfully the squatter departed on Sunday for training and is out of the area for the next 3.5 weeks. When the squatter returns, the squatter cannot come back to the house and must find other accommodations. I cannot do this any longer. Both my high frustration by the time the squatter left on Sunday and the relaxed way I feel now tell me that the welcome has been completely worn out. House guests alone for 8 weeks are a lot but a house guest who relied on something that was never offered and also stayed well beyond the agreed upon time due to training being pushed back constantly was way too much.
Speaking of too much, the squatter also was too much for the children. Imagine being your parent’s servant and constantly being asked to go get this or that for a fully ambulatory adult. Boy #1 has dealt with emotional abuse most of his life from the squatter. Boy #2 has something going on that the squatter would disown him for, so there’s been a gigantic loss of trust there. Boy #3 is emotional punching bag 2 behind Boy #1, so there’s been distance growing there too. And Girl practically cares for the squatter (which sickens me) so she’s benefitting from his departure. The squatter is codependent on all of them in varying levels, so his departure has been very welcomed by our entire household. Boy #1 and Boy #3 are currently in therapy, Boy #2 has requested therapy that will hopefully start soon, and Girl will start therapy in the next couple of years. I am not standing by and allowing all of this to happen. Once the squatter doesn’t see them every day, I suspect the emotional distance to grow significantly and they won’t want to visit.
As for me, I have been taking Ativan at a rate unseen since my psychiatric nurse practitioner prescribed it to me in January. I at least understand when I should definitely take it now, so that’s a bonus. It’s not a daily thing but I could feel that my anxiety was building.
Boy #1 is working on his college stuff to go in the fall. The squatter always accused him of being lazy and no good, which is completely untrue. Boy #1 has been interning at a funeral home around here to prepare him for his pre-mortuary affairs program. He hasn’t gotten another job because we wanted to keep him available for this opportunity, which still may become paid. But yesterday he approached me with a desire to get a paying job in the afternoons/evenings so that he could make some money. So much for lazy and no good. Squatter departs, Boy #1 finds motivation and happiness, and we are all shocked with his sudden initiative. It’s definite that the squatter puts him into a depressive state. Well, the squatter’s harsh language and the sudden realization that any promise the squatter makes cannot be taken seriously. So we are basically pulling Boy #1 from the squatter’s influence and are forbidding him from ever living with the squatter again, not that he wants to anyway.
Boy #2 is preparing for his senior year this upcoming year and also his college hunt. He was all about Philly, but he may be shifting to some place else. It remains to be seen what he actually wants to do with his future, but I am confident he will find his way. He’s very driven and has already opened up many different doors as a scholar and mechanically gifted person. He has three ASE certifications from his automotive program this past school year, so at best he’s prepared for a great hobby and at worst, he’s always got something to fall back on as a 17 year old. Imagine having your fall back plan set at 17. He’s going to get at least one more ASE certification this next year, and he’s supposed to be working at a local Ford dealership. His teacher lined this up for him, but the dealership has been extremely slow bringing him onboard. He’s frustrated.
Boy #3 starts 7th grade in the fall and is planning to run on the middle school cross country team. He went to a weeklong sleepover camp two weeks ago and had a blast. He can’t wait to go back next summer. He and Girl are going out of town at the beginning of July to visit the squatter’s parents and they are extremely excited about that. Sadly the squatter’s parents are amazing and I get along better with them then I do with the squatter. I am also excited for their visit and all the time they will get to spend with their cousins.
Girl went to a soccer camp two weeks ago and had a great time. She’s gotten so much better in the last month and we won our last soccer game of the season the Saturday after camp. She played SO WELL that other parents came up to me and told me how much she’s improved and what a great game she played. I was proud. She also had amazing grades this past school year and really brought up her test scores. She won several awards for math and science and being a good citizen. She went to one of her best friend’s birthday party and had a great time there. She’s slightly jealous about Boy #3 getting a phone, but understands that her wait won’t be too much longer either. She’s very responsible and I know she will be able to handle it without having to prove herself like her brother did these past 6 months.
As for me, I had a surgery consult on Monday for top surgery. The estimate for surgery is actually lower than I anticipated, which was awesome. At this point I am just waiting on my therapist to write her recommendation letter and then I can actually schedule a surgery date for the fall. Once that is set, I think I will be ready to submit my name change paperwork and get the process rolling on that. Once my name is changed, I can send everything to NY to change my birth certificate and I will be set. Well, after a long wait I will be set with the birth certificate. The process is very long currently. But I am happy that I was born in a state that protects everyone, so I can do what I need to do.
Thanks to my amazing therapist, I am getting to a place where I am so much more comfortable with who I am. It’s weird to work through your bullshit and then see that you are the one who has damaged yourself the most by trying so hard to conform to expectations. I wish I had never done that, although I am fully aware that my parents, extended family, the world around me, and everything pushed me into a place where I felt I must conform. All of that made me hate myself so much. I hated who I was inside and I also hated who I was on the outside. I was hiding everything unique and great about me and feeling so much shame for something I couldn’t simply control. If it could’ve been controlled, I would have been able to do it without becoming so sad and suicidal. The more I tried to be who I thought I was supposed to be, the worse my life felt. And now, the more people I tell about who I really am, the better I feel. It’s like a weight is lifted each time I hear myself say (or write) it. This is who I am, this is who I was always meant to be, and nothing and no one can take that away from me anymore, including myself.
I am hoping that I will be back to consistent blogging and that my absence was only because of all the pressure I’ve been feeling with the squatter. I had to turn off pieces of me to maintain my boundaries and that doesn’t feel good. I hate turning off pieces of myself for others, even if it’s to protect myself.
Leave a Reply