(Mental note to self-it does not help you to hold in your emotions. You know this. You have learned this lesson repeatedly over the last three or so years. Just stop already!)
I woke up yesterday and right away I knew I wasn’t feeling like myself. Something was off. I was cranky but for no clear reason, and I was finding myself overreacting to everything. All of that culminated in a rage, which only hurts me more on the inside because I work so hard to control that anger. I hate raging like I did, but I can see now that it was just emotions from the day prior leaking out. May 30. Again.
For years I had all these little rituals for May 30 like looking up old articles and trying to find family members of those killed in the helicopter shoot down. I would close my eyes and relive what I can remember. And if I was feeling extra torturous, I would watch the first Transformers movie, which does a pretty bang up job of replicating the sounds of an AC-130 in the Middle East desert. I had similar rituals with 9/11 too. But that was more inspiration to keep fighting, keep going until retirement, and finding a reason for what I was doing.
My wife has been on me for a long time to not do this rituals because it hurts me. It makes me cry, sometimes a lot. It takes me back. But it also makes me remember these people, like their sacrifice wasn’t for nothing. I check in on one guy’s family. He had three daughters and they’re almost grown now. His wife had her mortgage paid off by a non-profit specializing in that for gold star families. Obviously they aren’t 100% ok, but they are moving forward in life without their dad/husband. I wouldn’t ever make contact with them, although I do have a flag I was flying in my backpack that night that I think they deserve. I just want to make sure they are ok. And I did do that. But after my wife told me that I don’t need to remind myself of all of that, I just forced myself to not think about it, to not even process any of it. And guess what?
It built up all day on Tuesday just to explode on Wednesday evening. There’s been other developments in the news that trigger some really scary times for me over there in 2017. And that contributed to this build up inside me.
When it finally exploded last night, I was finally able to say things like “I was so scared we were all going to die.” And “It wasn’t right.” And “I don’t know how to process all of this but I do know now that I can’t just ignore it.”
So what do I do now? How do I acknowledge this day next year and beyond, without causing myself unnecessary pain, but also acknowledging that my pain is real, my pain is valid, and I need to do something with it instead of ignoring it?
I have no answers, but I do know that I need to find the sweet spot between torturing myself and pretending I don’t feel anything because it isn’t good for me. PTSD is a real pain in the ass to deal with and while I am glad that there are so many avenues for dealing with it, I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I shudder every single time I think about veterans from the World Wars and Vietnam and everything in between and how they had no way to cope, other than being angry and drinking a lot. I’m so thankful that I have real options for help and therapy. I would be lost without those. Or dead like all the other veterans who couldn’t stand the pain anymore.
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