Zander's Inside Voice

No, no, not that kind of room of pain. This isn’t about BDSM. No judgement if that’s your jam, though.

I’m talking about this place inside of me that seems to hold weird memories and the extreme pain of rejection. I was an outcast for so long. It seemed to follow me wherever I went for a long time. I never understood what made me so different or why I didn’t like what everyone around me liked. I used to think it was the way I was raised or the fact that my mom was weird or my dad was obnoxious.

My mom really is kinda weird and my dad is definitely obnoxious, but they are also very caring and wanted the best for me. The view from my emo teenage brain didn’t allow me to see them in full. I was only focused on how they were trying to ruin my life. I guess that’s the typical teenage brain though.

But this pain room, it seems to be where I shoved the hurt I was feeling for so many years. It was like I could shove all the pain in there and pretend it didn’t exist. Until now. It’s like the door with 85 locks is about to burst open and all this pain I’ve ignored and not processed is going to spill all over me. I’m not sure if that would be good or bad. I guess good to get it out but bad because I’m not sure I can handle all that at once.

I remember the first time I went to therapy and some of the newest pain burst out of me during that session when the therapist asked me what would help me feel better or less sad. I had nothing, no answer for his seemingly easy question. He decided I was depressed and had been for a very long time. I spent the next month crying intensely, almost every day. It was pain that I can’t even describe.

Would this pain be like that? Maybe I can handle it better after 8 years of therapy though. I have learned so many tools from all the therapists I’ve worked with over the years. Maybe that would help me work through whatever is about to burst out. I love my current therapist too and I know with her help I can process anything.

I don’t think my body is capable of shoving down emotions anymore. Healing has been really difficult over the past 8 years, but so worth it. I know that I will come out on the other side just fine. I know I can win this battle against the pain that was too much for me over the years. I know I can do it. I know that I will do it.