Zander's Inside Voice

As a kid, I always felt really sad after Christmas. I don’t really know why, even to this day. It was this feeling of letdown, I guess. We saw our extended family a lot, there were presents and good food and so much fun. And then we were just at home. My dad was a substitute teacher back in those days, so he had the same winter break we had. One Christmas we got an Atari and he spent the whole break playing our Atari, only giving us a brief amount of time to play. I remember a few times when we had to go to the car dealership with him because we were having car problems. That was always boring.

But I always dreaded that day after Christmas. It felt so sad and I was lonely most of my childhood, unless I was outside. It might’ve been many days in a row with no school and therefore no friends. Our bikes were put up for the winter and sometimes we played outside, but I don’t really remember playing outside in winter with other kids. It was just my brother and I from what I can remember. We had some sleds and other snow toys. We tried to make igloos and forts but I don’t think it ever went well. I guess maybe I was trapped inside most of the winter because it was cold and gross most of the time.

I don’t really feel sad necessarily, but there is this strange letdown. There’s still more Christmas to come here, when the kids get back. There will be stockings and “Santa” presents that are unexpected. And I am working on that excitement. I am enjoying this time without the kids, but I also miss them a little bit. Just a bit, though! I know they’re having a good time in Florida. I haven’t heard much from them, but I know they’re doing well.

My birthday is in February, so I have that to look forward to. My birthday was a huge stressor for most of my life, but these last couple years my wife has made it truly awesome. I try not to think too hard about what used to be when I have a new, better reality now. But I feel a little bit of depression setting in. Thankfully I will be seeing my therapist next week, so that’s good timing. I need to get myself together and be honest with her that I am not doing as well as I wish I was doing.