I feel a way today. About myself, my past, my future, who I really am. But I can’t put words to it.
It feels like there’s this longing in me for something that will never happen. For a life that I’ve already been robbed of. I feel this deep, defining sadness about living a lie for so long. Some days are worse than others. Some are better than others. I don’t fear who I am anymore, but I fear how others will react. I fear that I will lose people in the process. I fear that I will give my true self up again to please everyone else.
I fear not being good enough, not being true to myself, not being brave when the time comes to finally make these changes I must make to be myself. I fear government interference. I fear the misunderstanding that so many people have about people like me. I fear isolation and loneliness. I fear mean looks and pity. I fear anger and disappointment.
But most of all I fear dying while I am still trapped in the lie that everyone believes is my truth. I fear that I will make decisions for myself that aren’t what I really want, but what I think I should do. I fear that I will compromise once again.
I don’t want your children to be like me; I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. This pain should not be carried by anyone else. I have no “agenda” other than to live my life with great suits and shoes, without anyone staring at me or wondering what the fuck I am. This isn’t about anyone else, just me and the burden I have carried my entire life.
These few words that I found don’t even begin to convey what’s inside me and the pain that I’m not sure I will ever completely shake.