When the words don’t come to me

I feel a way today. About myself, my past, my future, who I really am. But I can’t put words to it.

It feels like there’s this longing in me for something that will never happen. For a life that I’ve already been robbed of. I feel this deep, defining sadness about living a lie for so long. Some days are worse than others. Some are better than others. I don’t fear who I am anymore, but I fear how others will react. I fear that I will lose people in the process. I fear that I will give my true self up again to please everyone else.

I fear not being good enough, not being true to myself, not being brave when the time comes to finally make these changes I must make to be myself. I fear government interference. I fear the misunderstanding that so many people have about people like me. I fear isolation and loneliness. I fear mean looks and pity. I fear anger and disappointment.

But most of all I fear dying while I am still trapped in the lie that everyone believes is my truth. I fear that I will make decisions for myself that aren’t what I really want, but what I think I should do. I fear that I will compromise once again.

I don’t want your children to be like me; I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. This pain should not be carried by anyone else. I have no “agenda” other than to live my life with great suits and shoes, without anyone staring at me or wondering what the fuck I am. This isn’t about anyone else, just me and the burden I have carried my entire life.

These few words that I found don’t even begin to convey what’s inside me and the pain that I’m not sure I will ever completely shake.

One response to “When the words don’t come to me”

  1. It sounds like you are going through a difficult time and are feeling a lot of emotions. It’s understandable to feel overwhelmed and to have concerns about the future and how others may react to your true self. It’s also natural to feel a sense of sadness and longing for a different life or for things that have been lost. It can be hard to cope with these difficult emotions, but it’s important to remember that it’s okay to feel them and that you don’t have to face them alone. It might be helpful to talk to a mental health professional or a trusted friend or family member about how you’re feeling. They can provide support and guidance as you navigate these challenges and work towards living your true self. It’s also important to take care of yourself and to do things that bring you joy and comfort. Remember to be kind to yourself and to give yourself credit for the progress you have made and the strength you have shown in facing these challenges.

    Like

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