Last week I finally took my name paperwork to the probate court to start the process to change my name. I can’t believe I finally did it. It feels crazy to think that just a few years ago I thought all of this was impossible. But it is possible and I am doing this.
I wish I had done this sooner, honestly. I cannot wait to actually have my real name that I chose, that feels good to me, and isn’t like hearing nails on a chalkboard. I was so scared to actually take the paperwork to the library to be notarized and then I was scared to take it to the court. Why? I don’t exactly know. Fear of the unknown, I guess. The best part was that no one really cared. Everyone was nice and kind and said nothing negative at all. I feel like the real me is just right there, just waiting to jump out 100%.
I never get misgendered in public now, even when I talk. The only people doing it are people that don’t know or just recently found out and are trying so hard to get it right. But it’s a huge change. I don’t care. It’s a huge change for me too, so I get it. I’m not upset with anyone who is trying right now.
My parents still don’t know. The lacrosse league doesn’t know. And my wife’s museum where I volunteer a ton, they don’t know. But we put my soon to be real, legal name on our reservation for the holiday dinner today. It’s only a matter of time before someone asks about it and she said she’s comfortable telling anyone who asks. Once they all know everyone who sees me the most will know. That will feel great. But my parents…I am still not sure how that will go. Maybe I am worrying unnecessarily. Maybe this is silly of me. I think I am going to write letters to each of them, explaining everything. They have to know, they had to have seen the change in March. They knew who I was growing up. They tried to take that way from me, but they couldn’t. It just made me live a fake life that was miserable.
I hope to write letters this week, the busiest week I have had in quite awhile. I am feeling some pressure to get as much changed as possible before the end of January, where it’s possible that everything could change and being me will become illegal. Once I get the name change, all I need to do is send that away to NY, who will change my birth certificate. I am hoping that the year or so that will take won’t impact anything if the election goes badly. I am hoping NY will resist federal bans on birth certificate changes. I think they will, since they weren’t forced to make the change by a court case. NY chose to allow people to update the gender on their birth certificate.
It all seems so unfair. I still can’t think too hard about the bullying I faced for not being “girly” enough as a teenager, or young adult. I can’t even handle remembering the number of times people called me “sir” in the military. My entire life has been about being assumed to be a male, even when I was trying so hard to be female. It’s like “too ugly to be a girl” but “trans is bad and horrible” so where does that leave me? Be the person I look and feel like, or fake being the person my original birth certificate says I am supposed to be, all while hurting because I didn’t pass as female.
People stare at me a lot less now. Whatever androgyny used to exist in my face is gone. People just look at me quick, see male, and look at something or someone else. It feels so good to not be stared at anymore. To just exist in the world where what I am assumed to be is what I actually am. My guess is that if I tried to use the restroom that aligns with my birth sex, I would be questioned, hassled, and possibly hurt. Apparently there are people who think they can always tell. Hahaha, nope. If that was the case, I wouldn’t have been hassled in the women’s room as an 8 year old. You can’t always tell. I know a ton of people who have been hassled in the women’s room even though they were born female and belonged in there.
This whole thing is maddening. Just live your own life. Mind your own business, keep your hands to yourself, and do what you need to do for your family and stop worrying about everyone else. Life would be so much better for all of us!
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