Since my surgery, I have been venturing out slowly and steadily. This past weekend I had to go to the pet store to grab some hay for the guinea pig. It was later in the evening than I’ve usually gone there, so I felt a little bit of familiar worry about being out after dark. It’s no big deal and it never stops me from getting anything done. Especially because I still have restrictions on what I can do post-surgery, I don’t want to put myself in a situation where I might need to move quickly or defend myself. But the pet store is a very safe place overall, although sometimes weird customers are in there.
As I wandered the store looking for the hay, I noticed many workers stocking and a few customers. After I found the hay, I headed to the register without much thought. At the other end of the aisle where I found the hay were two teenagers looking at fish supplies. Without me saying a word, they instantly moved out of my way. That’s very new to me. I usually have to say something to make my presence known and to get people out of the way. I thought back to every time I’ve been out since surgery and realized that this has been happening the entire time.
Is this the world that white men walk in? Is this what that privilege feels like? It’s truly amazing but so very subtle that you wouldn’t even notice it if you grew up with this level of privilege. I suddenly understand why some white men don’t believe that their privilege exists. It’s subtle and I think most white men don’t realize that this isn’t what’s happening for everyone else. People of color, women, gay men, or anyone who doesn’t appear white or male has to speak up or wiggle around people in the way in public spaces.
I remember a time when I whipped around a corner at the store while gathering groceries and immediately was face to face with a Black man on a scooter. I apologized profusely and tucked myself to the side so he could pass. He seemed happy that I noticed him. He was trying to get out of my way, which seemed ridiculous for the aisle we were in. He was trying to back up and realign himself. When I moved to the side, he was able to just move forward and get out of the way. All I could think about after that encounter was how he smiled when he was acknowledged and was given the right of way, as he should’ve been. Had this not happened for him before? Was he always the one moving for more able-bodied people? I’ve seen very rude people at places like Disney World who step in front of wheelchairs and block the view at various events and shows.
This idea of white male privilege when it comes to something as small as moving out of the way for someone has blown my mind. I didn’t have to speak up to get someone out of my way. I haven’t had to say anything for the past five weeks since surgery. There is obviously a mental hierarchy at play among white males. “I will move for another adult white male, but no one else.” Does the “no one else” exist in their thought process or is it just a thing white men do without thinking? This definitely doesn’t include men who are just clueless and don’t notice anything around them. Where does this come from? Are they not taught as boys to be kind and always move out of the way and be aware of who is around them? Is it taught to all children, but only reinforced to girls who must be aware of who is around them at all times? And so it drops from the young adult white male mind?
It’s so small but so big at the same time. I think about times walking on the sidewalk on deployments. We have a ton of sidewalks and around those are tons of gravel to keep the sand calm in the fierce wind we sometimes got there. It never failed though, on that sidewalk. White men, both alone and in groups, never ever stepped off the sidewalk. Some would if they were alone, but the vast majority NEVER stepped off the sidewalk to allow others to remain on it. Everyone else would step off for them, and also for each other. After noticing this trend for awhile, I started refusing to step off the sidewalk myself, to see what would happen. The first time, I slammed shoulders with a white dude the same height as me. He shouted a “what the hell” at me, shook his head, and kept on walking. That catapulted me into a place of “Fuck you, I’m never stepping off this sidewalk again. I will take up the space I am entitled to.” And so that is what I did. But it was a conscious choice, not the way I was brought up. I guarantee my parents and grandmother would’ve scolded me for not being nice and moving out of the way for others. But I bet my brother walked those same sidewalks like he owned them, taking up the space he’s been taught that he’s entitled to. And his scolding would be much more mild, if he was scolded at all.
So much to think through here and so much to process from my previous life experiences.
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