Zander's Inside Voice

I’m still recovering from the surgery. The reaction rash is pretty much cleared up and now the areas where my skin turned deep red and slowly fading back to normal color. I finished the steroids on Sunday and ended up in a good bit of pain later that day. It feels like I’ve taken a few steps backwards in my recovery especially because yesterday, a different skin reaction started flaring up. I think it’s just my garden variety reaction to strange things on my skin. For now, I have non-adhesive dressings covered by much larger abdominal coverings. I’m tired of wearing the compression vest but it feels better at the same time. Today I am devoting myself to rest to actually recover to the point where I thought I was before I finished the steroids. My body is out of sync right now and I don’t like it, but it’s getting better slowly.

Recovering from surgery is hard for me. I’m used to doing what I want when I want. Living on the couch all day, doing next to nothing isn’t very fun. I miss my normal life and there’s so much that I want to do. I have boxes from the Florida house in storage that I need to get through as soon as possible. I want to deep clean the house right now because I’m noticing everything from the couch. Funny how in normal days I don’t notice much, but the second I’m trapped and CAN’T deep clean, I see everything that needs to be cleaned.

I am still so happy with the surgery results and the way my brain just seems to have just locked into a happier, more confident place. All of the doubt and fear and hesitance I felt in the past melted away. It was like I was trying so hard to live like I thought I was supposed to that I couldn’t operate with any level of confidence. The last time I remember feeling this confident on my own was as a child. I never questioned what I should or shouldn’t say or do. I just did and said. I wonder if we are all like that and forces beyond our control push us into boxes we should fit into. When we are small or going through massive changes in puberty, we just accept what we’re told and don’t think any differently. Well, some of us do challenge that. I think I did up to a point. I don’t remember caring what my parents thought, but I know I reached a point after years of mean comments directly to my face where I wanted to fit in with my peers. I had a few friends but I wanted more. But the crazy part is that none of these friends actually ever knew me. There’s just a small handful of people that I allow to be even remotely close to me because it’s so hard for me to really open up and be honest with anyone.

We went to a show at the theatre on Sunday. I’d already decided that I’m done with women’s restrooms as soon as this surgery was done. Prior to surgery, that was the one thing that stopped the weird looks and the side eyes I’ve noticed for years. I decided that my best option would be a family restroom in the women’s hallway area. It’s just a single use space, which would ensure that I was comfortable and not scared, as well as everyone around me. The doorway into that hallway area says women, but it’s just a hallway with some chairs and I’ve seen men over there before. I wouldn’t be scared of using a smallish men’s restroom, but I’m not ready for the theatre one yet. I assume it’s large and I see tons of men walking in and out. I know I pass. I know no one will care that I’m in there, but I don’t want to do anything wrong or look out of place in there. I already have to go into a stall, which is weird. And then I definitely have to wash my hands because I can be a slight germaphobe. These are the things I think about…small things that might call attention to me in a public setting.

I am grateful that these are the things I think about now, instead of pining for a surgery that feels impossible to get. Every time I look down, even with the remnants of a terrible rash and brutal surgery scars that need to heal, I feel so much joy. I find that I spend time actually looking in the mirror now. And I like what I see. It’s so hard to imagine that there was ever a time when I hated my body or looking in the mirror. I’ve been waiting for some kind of post-surgery depression to kick in but there’s been nothing so far. I had zero anxiety leading up to the surgery and that’s morphed into zero regret. This was exactly what I needed to feel right.

The next big hurdles for me are telling my parents and a few other people that I want to tell directly. Everyone else I am just going to state the facts like this is my new name (once I take care of that in 2024.) I just don’t feel a need to explain myself to anyone anymore. I know exactly who I am and soon they will too. I don’t care if anyone wants to leave my life either. So far everyone that knows has been really supportive and has stayed my friend or supportive family member. It’s been great to see that most people in my orbit are super cool and willing to learn who I really am. I feel so lucky for that and if everyone else bolted on me, I would be ok with the ones I’ve already told that are by my side right now.