I’m still thinking about Oppenheimer deep in my brain. It was so intense and there were some parts that I understood so deep in my soul. There were things that scared me and made me feel better and made me wish I was still in the military, even though I was over it by the time I retired.
Boy #1 is supposed to drive off to begin his future today. Lessons have been plentiful. He refused to hear my advice over a month ago to get ahead of apartment renting and school tasks and all of that. He doesn’t have this apartment fully rented yet and in fact, I just found out that his roommate hasn’t even done an application yet. He’s been pressing on the apartment guy hard, but in reality, this could have been avoided by listening to what we have been telling him. Additionally, we are a little more than three hours away from where he needs to be and he hasn’t left yet. He was slow to pack his car up and if he had listened to me, he could’ve moved in last week and had all the help in the world to load his car. But no, no. I’m just an idiot parent who doesn’t know how life works. Good luck, kiddo. You will need it if you continue to ignore people who have been adulting a long time.
The other three returned to school today to start a new year. We have a high school senior who is looking at a college that is familiar to us, a 7th grader who is hoping to play a bunch of sports, and a 5th grader who is ready to work hard and get her best school year started. These three are doing well. I am expecting great success for them this year.
My wife is tired of work, sick of the stress but as always, is doing a kick ass job. I am working at the museum for now, getting ready to coach another season of soccer and prepare some lacrosse athletes for a tournament in October. I am going to DC with my wife for a work trip, which I am excited about. Back in 2011 I had a “deployment” to DC for 6 months. I lived in a hotel and got to see so much. It was a great time. I am looking forward to this trip because i will have some time to wander around DC alone to check out the sights I have missed.
One of the highlights of my fall is top surgery, which is currently scheduled for October 31st. It’s incredibly exciting because we happen to live about an hour from one of the very best surgeons for this, so I know it will go well. He was a bit cocky, but I know he’s got the experience and credentials to behave like he’s one of the best. I can’t believe it’s actually scheduled. It felt like it would never happen. I think about it all the time and how much better I will feel.
I have been thinking very deeply about how hard growing up in the wrong body felt, and how much shame I felt around puberty changes and the way that I felt inside. I knew something was wrong and off and there were no words to explain that to anyone. My behavior was very troubling for the adults who knew me well and they spent so much of their time trying to change me anyway. I’m sure if I had been able to tell them what I felt inside, then I would’ve been hurt even more in their attempts to shape me into what I was expected to be.
I need to tell my parents before surgery. I have had these moments of wanting to tell them but it ends up not being a good time, or I lose my nerve. I’ve already been through so much with them and we’ve always managed to work it out. But this feels different. Will they actually be supportive? Will this actually be ok? Will they actually stop calling me what they named me and call me what I want to be called? I guess I’ll be finding out soon.
My mind is so occupied lately that I don’t have the ability to enjoy my hobbies. I get stuck in an endless loop of playing games on my phone that feel relaxing and sleeping way more than I used to because I’m just so blocked up emotionally right now. It feels like I am stuck in a weird place where I am not allowing myself to move forward and relax fully.
As I’ve been writing this, I heard back from Boy #1 that he will not be leaving today and plans to now leave tomorrow since his friend won’t be getting in until Friday now. He’s behind with his requirements for college too, but you know what? That’s a him problem, not a me problem. He’s an adult after all, and doesn’t need me to tell him what to do. Or so he says…
Leave a Reply