Zander's Inside Voice

I have heard this music in my head for a long time, since I was a child I’d say. I used to sing to myself when I played with my toys, rode my bike alone, or sat on the school bus and looked out the window. I started playing trumpet in 4th grade and the music I was learning clouded over the music I could hear in my head. The worst part was that learning to read music and being able to play an instrument did not help me get the music out of my head.

It has lived in there all this time, eating at me, trying to gnaw its way out. I had long given up that there was any way to release it.

Until today.

I have been feeling lately like I am holding back. Like I am supposed to be doing more, living more, just there is SOMETHING more that I haven’t been willing to just let go of. That feeling hit some weird nerve today that made me want to get it out. I was feeling inspired to maybe work on writing a new novel or editing one I’ve already written. I felt like I needed to do something creative today.

I happened to mention that maybe these symphonies could now come out of my head but my lack of interest in learning music theory was a barrier. Out of nowhere she suggested that I look into a digital music program to see what I could do. It seemed genuis. I found MuseScore free software and started right in. The program wasn’t exactly intuitive, but I found my way pretty quickly.

The music in my head is coming out in this program. When I have the program play what I have so far, I can hear the music that has lived in my soul for my entire life. It doesn’t even feel real. How could I, a person with just 9 years of playing in the school band and no other musical training, put music on paper digitally that actually sounds good? I don’t know, but I love the way it’s coming out of my head so easily. It actually sounds good.

I love my life. Every day seems like there’s a new twist or turn to something good. I have these incredibly low moments where I don’t know if I want to handle all that I have to handle to go on. But when I find something that works for me, I know that I am meant to keep fighting and handling the crap that plagues me for a reason. I have a purpose here, there’s so much I am meant to be doing that I must stay alive for. I am meant to be here and I can see the reasons coming into focus a little more each day.