Zander's Inside Voice

I finally told Boy #3 all about me.

My mind is blown. First I told him that I was going to change my name soon. Then we talked about how the doctor asked him at his last appointment if he identifies as a boy. I asked him if he knew why she asked him that and he seemed confused. Then I explained how sometimes boys feel more like girls or girls feel more like boys.

His response was “I already know someone like that.” And that’s when I found out this his very good friend he’s been talking about for this entire school year identifies as a boy and prefers he/him/his pronouns around friends.

And so I went on from there and explained that I was like his friend. I asked him if that was upsetting or anything and he said no. HOLY SHIT! He said he sometimes struggles with his friend’s pronouns, but he wants to try hard for his friend. He apologized for calling me her but said it was because he just didn’t know. I told him he has nothing to apologize for. All in all, I was very impressed with the not a big deal that this was.

As awesome as the conversation went, I am sitting here feeling slightly worked up about having to have this conversation at all. I still feel very frustrated and annoyed that it even has to happen. Why couldn’t I just be born right? Why couldn’t I will this away? Why couldn’t I keep pretending that I am totally fine with the way I was born? Why does this have to be so hard? My therapist says these feelings of annoyance and frustration are valid and I don’t need to just accept myself without considering them and feeling rage that this is like some unfair trick.