Zander's Inside Voice

For years I wanted to write a blog but I was scared of my own voice. Sometimes I would post something remotely controversial on my FB page, like the time I said for everyone to understand that representation matters when our VP was sworn in. Immediately old military co-workers jumped on it, saying things like “we will only be successful as a society when there is no need to recognize the first whatever to do things.” Many people liked that comment without liking the original post. I know so many people (again, mostly military types) who railed against articles about the first all-female flight crew on whatever air frame or the first all Black team on duty in whatever job on whatever base. Mostly they bitched about how they could never have an all white male crew or team. Umm, yes you can and that happened multiple times a month. There’s no need to write an article because it happens all the time. Most military generals are white males. You can walk by these heritage walls and it’s just a bunch of old white dudes that all look the same. But if you point that out to these people, there’s generally some explanation. ‘That was a different time, blah blah blah.” After being shut down so much for thinking outside the box, I grew silent. I lost hope in everyone.

In 2020, when so many were losing hope, I found mine again. I didn’t go into actual work much as we were teleworking. We had a big run of Covid cases early on in our office building and since it was 6 stories full of mostly older civilian employees who needed to ride the (very small) elevators, our building was shut down for the masses for a long time. During that time, I was talking to my then friend every day. That friend would become my wife! And I was well on my way to finding hope again. It was a long and slow process with lots of therapy and lots of time spent reflecting and I guess emoting. I was fairly emo a good bit of the time. But I was processing so much of my past and why I behaved the way I had for so long. Answers were coming to me slowly and leading me in a direction.

I started this blog in July last year. I have only invited two people I actually know; my wife and my former sister-in-law (who doesn’t read regularly and did not subscribe.) The rest of my followers are people I have never met in real life but I now consider friends. Some of you comment often but so many of you like my posts regularly. I made up my mind early that I was writing for me; not for likes, comments, or followers. And if no one liked my posts at all, that would be ok. I would just keep writing no matter what.

I think I am finally there. I don’t censor myself at all when I blog. I just write what I want to write. I no longer feel like I am hiding in shell. You all helped me get to this point and I am so grateful for all of you!! I am hopeful that 2023 will be a great year and I can continue to grow and succeed on my path of healing. Thank you for giving me the honor of your time and energy. ❤️