Zander's Inside Voice

It’s all too much today. I feel so overwhelmed with everything. There were 5 conditions that the VA deferred and they don’t really matter anymore because I already hit 100% with the conditions they rated earlier. Now one of the companies they use for appointments is calling me and I cannot answer my phone right now. This happens sometimes when I just can’t handle anymore more. I feel edgy and jumpy inside, the nightmares sometimes burn through the medication and I don’t sleep well. But all the demands on me feel overwhelming. Sometimes I can eventually get myself over this, but sometimes I can’t. And right now I can’t.

I don’t want to to talk to anyone. I don’t want anyone to call. I don’t want anyone to text. I don’t want anyone to ask me for anything. The only people this doesn’t really apply to are the people in my house, although the kids sometimes can be too much. Thankfully they are well versed in this phase and they give lots of hugs and stay out of my way.

Even the cat asking for lunch early just now was too much. Now she’s messing with the blinds to “punish” me. I have to just ignore her because she’s looking for attention and doesn’t care what kind it is.

Yesterday I went online to put in my availability for these appointments. I don’t want them to call me again. Just schedule the appointments and if I can make it, I will do. If not, I will reschedule. I feel like talking to people is just too much right now and I don’t know why this happens to me. These are the moments where I am at my weakest and I think if I’m not careful I will end up down in a deep hole, thinking about bad things I don’t want to think about. Why can’t I stop this from happening to me? Why can’t there be an easy answer to fixing this?

There’s so much I want to do around the house to clean up and repair a bunch of small things. None of it is hard or very time consuming but I can’t get started on all that so far today. Every car that drives by feels threatening. I just want to hide in some dark closet, covered with blankets so no one can find me and I can let this mess pass by. I know it will pass by and I know how to keep myself from dropping too low into the sadness, but I hate how it feels right now, when I can tell I’m on the edge and I might cry, scream, blow up, melt down, take a nap, go on a rampage, and ruin every friendship I have if I let myself out of the house. I don’t want to shop and try to help this with retail therapy because that does not work with this.

I am grateful I’m alone today because maybe I can get through all of this before anyone else gets home this afternoon. That would make me feel so much better. I don’t want to take this out on anyone else. They don’t deserve it. All I know is that I need to find a way to get this out and feel more like myself.