I’ve been thinking that I need to get back to blogging for awhile now. So much has changed and the world around us is so different than it was just a few months ago. I felt a strange aversion to blogging, like it was just too much work. That’s not true, it’s never been true, so I’m not sure where that feeling has been coming from.
First off, my name change is done and official as of Dec 17th. I have updated my info for my driver’s license and with the Social Security Administration. Both were productions, although shockingly (or maybe not) the SSA was the longer wait, but less production once I was able to talk to someone. I don’t currently have a passport so no need to worry about that at this time. I will be changing my birth certificate, although it doesn’t really matter how quickly I send that to NY, since they’ve been delayed for years. It took me over a year just to get a copy of my original birth certificate. So I don’t expect the changes to be instant. I’m guessing it will take at least a year.
Then there’s the election, which was some of the driving force between the hustle to get everything updated. I applied for the name change back in late October. Had I been born in this state, I wouldn’t have needed a hearing, but because I was born in another state, I had to wait a few weeks for a hearing. Then it turned out that the judge retired 16 days before my hearing, so there was no stamping by the magistrates like they could prior to her retirement. So I had to wait a few days to get the official paperwork. But overall I feel very meh about the election. There’s so much I don’t understand and I truly want to understand. I think people in public office should carry themselves respectfully and not be vulgar or mean. I don’t get why people shrug and accept nastiness and hatred in the people they vote for. I also don’t understand how the average person thinks someone born rich will ever understand the struggle of the ordinary working person. Right now I am just checked out and focusing on myself and what matters to me.
Am I scared? No. I’m right here, come and get me. I served this country in a time of war and deployed repeatedly. I did my time. I deserve to just live my life in this country, same as the next person. Will I be out in the streets yelling? Also no. Again, I just want to live my life in peace and not be harassed by anyone or by the government. I am not hurting anyone and I am not expecting anyone to play into a “fantasy” since 99.9% of strangers assume I’m male, even after talking to me. If forced into the women’s restroom, I will be in danger. I was yelled at as a small child in the restroom if my mom wasn’t with me and even when I was presenting as female. No one wants me in there and I don’t want to be in there. So does that mean I will be breaking the law in some places? I guess so. But my own safety is more important to me. I won’t be harassed in the men’s room ever. But I know I would be in the women’s room.
I am still waiting for my DL and SS card to come in the mail so I can finish updating everything else. I hate this wait. It’s so close, but still feels so far away. I am a little worried that my healthcare will be yanked away, even though I pay for my own prescriptions and my insurance. I guess it’s technically considered government funded since it’s Tricare, but I pay for it like every other retiree. And there’s no denying that I am doing so much on testosterone. I feel so much calmer and my body feels healthier in every way. It’s like I was always male in some way internally. Once puberty started, everything fell apart and now with this second puberty, it’s all better. I am at peace with myself. And while some people have beliefs that you can’t change gender or you are defined by your chromosomes, I can’t deny that what I feel after making all these changes is 100% better and normal. I don’t know what happened to me, why I have “huge ribs” that are the size of an average man’s ribs, or why I have larger kidneys, or why my brain and soul feels like it’s 100% male. I know that I have always felt this way and there was nothing enjoyable about living as a female. No matter how hard I tried to live like I thought I was supposed to, all I wanted to do was die. Accepting myself took so much longer than making the changes and deciding to take testosterone. I did not want to have to do this. I wanted to make it go away and I tried, for over 40 years. But it didn’t. And nothing would’ve made it go away if me wanting to be something else wasn’t enough to change it.
I am who I am. I’m not afraid of that anymore. And I am finally living the life I always wanted. And no one can take that away from me. No one can outlaw me being me.
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