I have been gone for a long time. I was stuck in my own head and in my own healing. I have been doing therapy every other week this entire time and really taking a hard look at my life, who is in it, and what changes I need to make to be my best self.
It started with a medical appointment in January. I asked about a hysterectomy for actual medical problems. The provider is very kind and friendly but she pissed me off because she stated that there were three requirements to get an appointment with her main office, which happens to be the surgeon I needed for this surgery. The requirements were a current test (which I had), an ultrasound (which I would need), and two letters with one being from my therapist.
Wait a second, LETTERS? I’m 48 years old, already sterilized, and have had children. Sooooo why would I need letters for a hysterectomy with a very long documented history of issues spanning back 24 years? I mentioned it to my therapist, who was immediately upset. She confirmed my irritation that letters should not be a requirement. She asked if I needed her help to advocate for myself. I told her I did not.
I sent a message to the provider in mychart, starting that my insurance does not permit gender affirming surgery, so the letters should not be a requirement for getting an appointment to talk about getting the surgery. I was still a long way off from scheduling the surgery. She wrote back that the letters were required no matter what. My frustration continued to build.
I was scheduled for an appointment with my office’s social worker. That appointment was moved twice, resulting in a two month delay. But I made my move in this appointment and told the social worker that my insurance would deny the procedure no matter how much I needed it medically if there was any mention of gender affirming needs. Plus, it wasn’t really about that for me. It was about the continuous pain and problems I’d been fighting for decades at this point.
The clinic I go to is for the alphabet soup people like me. We can have supportive, kind medical providers who do not judge. In fact, my regular main doctor is a gay man. I can tell him everything about my health. We spend more time talking in his office for my appointments than “gown-time.” The provider I see for the reproductive parts always greets me with my clothes on and then asks if I’m comfortable going ahead with the exam portion. Everyone there is great. And so when I said the word “gatekeeping” to the social worker, I was heard.
My appointment was in the morning, at 10. But 2, I was told that the office policy was changing and the letters would no longer be required if there was a valid medical reason. In fact, consults with the surgeon would be where the need for letters would be determined. This was the first change I caused in office policy. I’m not 25 anymore and I am completely willing to stand up for myself and not be pushed around.
They also tried to tell me I needed a referral from insurance for the consult. I don’t. I know that I don’t. When I left the military I was terrified about how real world insurance worked, so I went to multiple briefings and asked tons of questions. I know my insurance inside and out, and where to go to answer questions. So no, no referrals needed for consults. I know I would need pre-approval for surgery but I think most insurances require that.
Fast forward through the consult appointment, some follow up testing, pre-op testing, and finally the actual surgery last Friday. I am finally free from the torture I have lived through most of my life. When I woke up, I felt like myself. I felt so much better as soon as I was completely coherent. It was like an alien being was removed from me. That feeling still greets me every morning. I knew I would likely feel better sometimes after the surgery, but I didn’t expect such a huge change.
On Monday I got the pathology results. Some of the removed parts were not healthy as well. Even though for years I’ve been told everything I was complaining about was normal and there’s nothing wrong, the pathology again showed that I was correct and there were multiple problems present in my body. Everything was benign, but there were circumstances occurring that could eventually leda to cancer. How much longer would I have needed to fight? When would things have changed and turned cancerous for me? How would I have known if the medical field had continued to gaslight me that everything was fine? My current doctor’s office listens and hears me. So I am grateful for that.
And if all of this wasn’t good enough, I had an amazing talk with my bonus mom last night. I am still close with the ex’s family and even consider them family. They love my wife and consider her family too. They live around us as of last year and I know they’ve noticed some things about me changing. After a quick social media post that was up for about 2 minutes, she decided to ask me about what she saw.
I told her everything. She asked very well thought out questions and just wants to love me and be part of my life. It’s like a dream. I worried so much about these people rejecting me and that will not happen. I cannot express how happy that makes me feel. As my family protectively closes ranks around me as they find out, I know that I can make it through this process. There’s only a few more places where I’ve made no indication that I’m changing, but I see that some of them have noticed some things. They probably won’t ask. But with coaching kids, I will eventually talk to a fellow coach and friend about it. If there’s a problem, I will step away. I have no desire to make it a huge production to the kids and won’t be making any formal announcement. A trans boy just moved out of our program and into the high school program. His parents are completely unsupportive and insist on calling him his birth name and pronouns he doesn’t like. But they are slightly supportive in other ways. So I am not worried about the older kids. They know who this boy is and everyone was cool with it. It’s just the younger kids’ parents I worry about. I’ll do whatever I have to do, even though they really want my experience and skill set.
So after many months of struggle, I am in a way better place. I am feeling so much better inside and mentally as well. I feel like I am definitely moving into the exact place where I am meant to be. I was feeling like maybe I had let myself down with 2024 not being as much my year as I had hoped. But I think I wasn’t looking at it the right way. I wasn’t giving myself credit for the hard things I was fighting through. I still have to learn how to not set myself up for failure by expecting that I’m going to do so many huge things in one year. I need to keep the right perspective and not worry so much about the big, huge things. Things get in the way sometimes and I need to not worry about only taking small steps towards huge goals.
Hopefully I am back to blogging for the fall now, since everything is starting to settle down. The kids are back in school, Kid #2 is happily away at college, and Boy #1 is in Florida, almost getting it together. Things are looking up, I just need to finish recovering from surgery and get back to lacrosse!
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