Zander's Inside Voice

Bloganuary writing prompt

What’s the thing you’re most scared to do? What would it take to get you to do it?

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This is a tough question for me. The number of things I’ve done that I was scared to do is huge. If I want to do something, I will do it. In my journey these last few years, I have learned things about myself that I find surprising. Like that multiple people have tried to break me unsuccessfully. I felt so broken when I retired from the military. I thought that I failed at times and messed up more than I was successful. Time and distance have proven otherwise. As I look back and reflect on my military career, I realize all the things I remember the most are the successful things.

So this question makes me realize that I actually do things even when I am scared. I joined the Air Force even though it was scary. I moved from base to base over the years, sometimes not really knowing who I would run into. Most of the time I did because my career field was very small, but sometimes I wasn’t sure who I would see right away and who might be deployed. That was mostly before the days of social media. Once socail media was around, I generally knew who was where and what they were doing. But I always met new people and made new friends.

Possibly the scariest thing I did was complete my own VA claim for 24 conditions based on my own review of my medical records. It wasn’t perfect and there was actually a condition that the VA said I could claim in the results paperwork that I had missed. In the end I wasn’t necessary because I accomplished my objective with my claim. A lot of people wouldn’t dare to file their own claim, but I knew I could do it right, better than anyone else.

I can’t think of anything that I am scared to do right now, honestly. Living my life as my authentic self is a little scary sometimes. I’m concerned about the constant barrage of new laws determined to force people like me back into the shadows. It’s taken me so long to find myself and now I am trapped in this weird in-between world that feels dangerous. I need to make paperwork changes and legally change my name soon. That feels scary, but I know I can do it. I wouldn’t say I am SCARED to do it, just that some aspects of it are scary. But it will be great once it’s done. I don’t need anything to make me do it, I just need to get my mind right soon and do it.