Zander's Inside Voice

Boy #1 is struggling. He’s with his friend, trying to live on their own in an apartment, getting VA Ch 35 money, going to school full time, and getting jobs. They’ve been on this journey since August. It took us until October to get the VA money flowing. And it’s not the right amount. He’s at school full time, so he should get the full time amount and he’s not. He’s about $300 short. He left with a job, but because his friend was “too slow” for the location they were working at, he was let go. And so Boy #1 left too. His friend came with no bank account, no driver’s license, and no real life experience. I don’t blame his friend at all; I blame life. He’s got some serious family issues that are not his fault and he needed to get out or he was headed nowhere quickly.

Boy #1 helped him get a bank account and Boy #1 also set up his own bank account so that he could get money that is not within sight of the ex, who is known for taking his money. They’ve been trying to get jobs for awhile, or so I’ve been told. They are just slow to get themselves through the process of applying, interviewing, and actually showing up to a job. It’s a huge month-long process. I should also say that both Boy #1 and his friend are very high functioning on the autism spectrum, so they do have additional challenges compared to other young 20-somethings trying to start out. With Boy #1 anxiety sometimes makes him look lazy but can actually be lazy and so it’s frustrating trying to figure out which is anxiety and fear and which is actual laziness.

My wife and I were able to get him a cheap-ish car so he would be able to get around without depending on a bus. He was supposed to pay for his own insurance. He didn’t until he started working in July. And then I got stuck paying it again because he ran out of money. His friend’s mother was sending some money to help but then life smacked her in the face again, and so she hasn’t been able to send much money either.

In my kind efforts to help Boy #1 establish credit, I made him an additional user on one of my cards so he could get a good start on that. The agreement was that he’d only put about $100 on there, so mostly use it for gas. Last month he finally activated it and promptly spent $700 on gas, groceries, but mostly fast food. I called him out, we talked, the VA money came in, he gave me $500 from that. And then he promptly spent another $600 since then. I’m beside myself here. We are looking out for him as best we can, while also making sure that I am focusing on the younger three since they are still minors. They NEED our resources as they are CHILDREN still. Half of me wants to cancel his card and let him figure himself out while also telling him that he cannot come back to live with us. The other half of me is so worried because he’s not learning from our discussions. The first half is also extremely annoyed that he’s stretched so thin because his friend isn’t contributing anything anymore. He showed up with around $1500 or so but there’s no way they still have that money. And if they do, I’d be even more pissed off. But the second half has so much empathy for this adult aged child-minded kid who is 21 and has next to no help from his mother and negative help and trauma from his absentee father. Alone, neither of them would have a chance but together may be their best chance to find their way.

But how? I think it’s time to cut the financial ties for the most part, at least the free access to my card with no means to pay. But how do I reconcile that with the guilt I feel about messing things up for him and the pride that he’s so willing to sacrifice himself for those he cares about. He’s got the best heart, but not desire to ensure he’s looking out for himself first. I don’t want to make him feel like that selfless part of him is bad, but he does need to consider that he can’t pour from an empty cup, even if he thinks money is unnecessary.