I have discovered in the last year that just about anything can look terrible to you when you are looking at the bad side of things. Or sometimes all it takes is a little reframing to realize that you are thinking too much about the negatives of a situation and not considering the positives at all. I’m not talking about toxic positivity, where you tell yourself everything is fine while refusing to actually feel and process your feelings in the present. This was my old habit and it did not serve me well. Healing for me means remembering and feeling all of these old wounds and properly processing them now. It’s draining and I don’t enjoy doing it but it has helped me so much.
Back in June, there was an incident at my college where a staff member put their hands on a volunteer in an inappropriate manner. It was reported to administrative staff and the person was forced to retire. It reminded me of an incident back when I was a student. I was planning to be on the swim team that winter and I met with the new coach a few times to talk about expectations. Then he left abruptly because he groped a student he was trying to teach how to swim. She reported it to a professor who reported it to the administration. The coach was told to quit or be fired. Much like the event this year, it was kept under wraps.
My mind zeroed in on this bad behavior but also the person it happened to way back when I was a student. She had been my friend for most of my college years, but at some point in my senior year (I think towards the end of the year) she said some really cruel things to me. I sort of laughed it off and moved on, but carried this insane level of annoyance with her all these years. She was generally a nice person and this outburst was very out of character for her.
I let myself feel the impact of the words that she said.
I let myself feel the betrayal of someone I considered a friend.
I let all of the pain wash over me and it really, really hurt.
But then I started thinking about things more after a heated discussion with my wife about this person. I talked about it in my therapist appointment yesterday. Now that the pain is gone, I can suddenly feel empathy for this person who hurt my feelings way back when. Was she trying to regain control after what happened with the swim coach? Was she simply having a bad day? Had I said something that upset her first? Did this have anything to do with other people, like exes? Was this something she had held in for all these years, or was it just one moment of anger and frustration that wasn’t our entire friendship, but one moment in time?
One major problem that I’ve lived with my whole life is that I’m a person whose gender isn’t generally obvious. For some reason, people don’t seem to notice the obvious clues and it’s always felt bad to me to be an androgynous person most of the time. I realize now that I’ve always been trying to assert who I am without actually transitioning. But in the past, it hurt when people stared, got aggressive, or questioned why I was in the spaces I was in. It was embarrassing to be with friends and family and have people say out loud that I looked like an “it.” Times have changed and people aren’t quite so openly rude, but I still get foul looks all the time. And most of these looks are from women, especially when I’m wearing clothing that makes it tougher to tell what I am.
I read something today that brought me to this amazing AHA moment. It is entirely possible that these women are identifying me correctly as male and are actually scared of me. Or they dislike males for some reason. Maybe they’ve been assaulted or abused. It’s definitely none of my business what the reasons are, but it made me rethink so much of what I’ve been telling myself. For so long I thought it was judgment and disdain. I guess in a way it could still be disdain. But maybe it’s fear that I’m objectifying them. Maybe it’s all the things that women are taught for their own safety. Men hurt women, so fear men when you’re walking alone somewhere. Look down, look away, don’t make eye contact. Or make angry eye contact. Stare men down so they know you aren’t a victim. Stare at them so they know you aren’t afraid even thought you kinda are.
I often found myself irritated when trans women celebrating catcalling, like it’s a victory because they passed enough to be objectified by men. Feeling good about this perspective change in me would be the same thing. Celebrating something bad because it means I am somewhat passing with no hormones and no surgery. I feel no such joy at realizing that maybe the look I am seeing is fear. I don’t want that to be anyone’s perception of me at all. I don’t want to hurt anybody for any reason. But I have been there too. Looking away, looking down, staring straight ahead, staring back to show no fear. And there is nothing that would make it any better for me back then, just like there is nothing I can do to make everyone feel better around me.
This is truly a a big “whoa” moment for me. Seeing things from this other side, I feel a little lost. Wanting to reassure but not be creepy. Wanting to smile but not wanting it to be misunderstood as something it isn’t. The socialization I grew up with is so opposite to what I am moving towards now. I grew up with toxic masculinity all around me and I don’t want to replicate that at all. I want to be respectful, an ally, a good dude who is kind but not creepy. But I can’t define what made someone creepy. Some guys I used to know always complained that good looking guys got away with so much more than ugly guys. Is that true? It sounds like an incel thing to say, honestly.
How does an average guy who isn’t hitting on any strangers interact with women who make eye contact with you? Is it acceptable to smile at them, even if they look pissed off at you? Is that creepy? It’s a truly strange place to be after always assuming that somehow it was ME that was the problem, not the category I was put in.
Leave a Reply