Zander's Inside Voice

I feel a shift in me lately. Something is aligning properly and I can feel myself coming together better. I can feel myself just kind of shoving stress aside a lot of the time and not allowing it to capture me and make me feel bad about myself. I was explaining years of being tormenting by my evil internal voice to someone and she felt so bad for me, but understood where that came from. While explaining it, I realized that although it took me two almost three years, I did get rid of it. I did make it stop.

I wish it had been a quick, easy process but it wasn’t. First it was noticing the voice. Then it was learning what generally started it, like what external things are going make it start. Combining though two things helped me figure out when it was starting, so I could stop it before it finished the mean thought. And then eventually it was learning when it was about to happen and stopping it before it started. It still creeps in sometimes, mostly when I feel like I’ve said something stupid or hurtful.

The voice judged EVERYTHING I did. Why did you say that? Why did you do that? Do you hear how stupid you just sounded? You’re just an idiot anyway who always does dumb things. Maybe if you did XYZ instead of just living your dumb, lazy life, bad things wouldn’t happen to you so much. And so on and so on…it was literally never ending for years. This voice kept me down in a deep hole for years. I would seek out friends who reinforced that kind of narrative, you know, the BLUNT friends who always think they are telling you what you need to hear. The truth was that I was seeking out people to aid in this miserable self destructive path I was on. It was brutal.

I definitely don’t think I’m perfect and I definitely don’t do everything correctly, but I have learned to be more gentle with myself. If I said something stupid, I try to tell myself that it didn’t come out how it sounded in my head, or I just lost focus and blurted something out that I didn’t mean to say out loud and that’s ok. Everyone does it.

I try to speak to myself inside my head like I would speak to someone I care about. I wouldn’t call them stupid or dumb, or scream at them relentlessly for making mistakes. I would tell them it’s ok, it’s not a big deal, no one else is thinking about it. And for the most part, it’s true.

I know so many people who exist in this space where they are their own worst critic. I’m not sure they have the mean inside voice that I used to have, but I know what it’s like to be hard on yourself and not give yourself any space to take chances and make mistakes. Mistakes are ok and where learning starts.