Zander's Inside Voice

This morning has been a wreck. My main ADHD struggles are time management, organization in general, and creating piles of clutter. This creates tons of problems for me in various ways. I really struggle to pick it all up once it’s gotten to be too much for my brain. This means piles of clothes where they don’t belong like on the floor, or unfolded clean clothes in a basket that I can generally get to within a day or two. I really try to do the very best I can and sometimes I just can’t.

Well, I had folded most of the clean laundry yesterday and was going to finish it today. I had some dirty clothes on the floor, but not many. And I had a new Adidas bag for when I coach soccer again on the floor in front of my closet. And our cat (who had surgery last week and is really tired of medicine, wearing a post-surgery suit, and constantly being followed around) was closed in our room overnight. It hasn’t been a big deal so far. But apparently it was a big deal last night.

I went to fold the last of the laundry today and one piece was completely wet. Wait, what? How? Then I put it close to my face and smelled it. It was cat urine. Damn it. I collected all the “clean” clothes from that basket and threw it back, collected my dirty clothes from the floor, and then the dirty ones in the dirty basket, and took it all downstairs. I started the laundry, also upset because I couldn’t find a couple of my socks. When I went back upstairs, I started looking around the floor for the missing socks. And on my Adidas bag was cat poop.

Great.

I’m not the kind of person to blame a pet for this situation because the pet didn’t leave things on the floor, close the door, or schedule their own surgery. This is completely abnormal behavior for her, she’s not sick, but she just didn’t want to wait any longer I guess. It’s my fault for closing the door and not picking my things up. I felt bad. Why can’t I learn? Why can’t I constantly do the right thing? Why do I not keep up with my stuff better? This is something that has plagued me since childhood, when my cat peed on a book my mom bought me for my birthday. I know it’s not healthy to shame myself so much, but I am so tired of feeling like I never do the right thing, and always make a mess.

I’m also in place where I feel crazy anger at the ex. Like I was to kick him out of my house and sue him for all the money he’s taken from over the years. It would be at least a million dollars. He’s a taker. Never a giver in any way. So that anger, plus my frustration at being so sucky, plus a lack of sleep is making it hard to see logically that I simply made a mistake. A mistake I seem to make every few months that I sometimes pay for, sometimes I don’t. But still just a mistake.