Zander's Inside Voice

I am learning to live as one whole person.

I have been living my life as two halves-one is the outward part of me most people know and see. The quiet, kind, caring person who goes out of their way to help everyone. The person who doesn’t seem to have much personality and just kind of goes along with what everyone else is saying. This person hangs back and seems timid and shy. This person is forgettable.

The other half is a child. This child is out of control and funny. This child is animated and goes a step too far often. The child wants to make people and be the center of attention. This child doesn’t know when to stop talking. The child never seems to age or mature. The child just doesn’t learn but is engaging and unforgettable.

The whole me knows when it’s time to let other people talk. The whole me knows how to tell a good, funny story and when to stop. The whole me is very kind and caring, but not timid. The whole me has a ton of personality but doesn’t let just anyone see it, except in rare circumstances. The whole me is unforgettable and doesn’t fit in with others, but not because I’m obnoxious.

The way that I used to live resulted in a sum of zero. The quiet the child, the person must keep everything in. And so that equals zero. Afraid to release anything personal, the person kept the child inside all the time. It was just easier to be forgettable than to be obnoxious.

The whole me is the person + the child and that’s not 1+1=2; instead it comes out to 3. In being exactly who I am, I am unforgettable, but for the right reasons. Because I’m obviously not like everyone else, there is something about me, I have been told. I’ve been told I’m unforgettable, I leave an impression, whatever all those things were that people said to me.

I’m still learning to love the whole me, not the “hole” me. I don’t even care if I’m forgettable to most people. I just want to be someone that the right people always remember. It’s not as much about creating a legacy, but about being someone that made days on earth a little brighter for someone at least some of the time. I went through this huge “finding myself” moment this past year where I realized that the big things are amazing and can be a legacy, but it doesn’t take the big things to make a legacy. I think about all the time I saw someone doing something so damn cool that I wished I was them for a minute and then moved on with my life. Because I would always revisit that moment when I saw that cool person and they never had any idea that some stranger was still thinking about them.

That’s who I want to be. That person you see once that makes you think about who you are and who you want to be. The person who makes you revisit what’s important to you and what you aren’t revealing about yourself. I want to be the person who helps someone realize that they are way cooler than they think they are and for one minute, they want to be me.

All of those random people in my life have helped me find myself in ways I don’t understand. That collection of one minute encounters has helped me see who I am in small, unassuming bursts of time. Those moments stick with me for life, even though I don’t specifically remember each and every moment.