Yesterday I had a therapist appointment. I go twice a month right now, but I may increase that over the winter if I need to. I kept it a little more surface level for most of the appointment, although we did talk about some of the deep stuff at the beginning.
The biggest take away from this appointment was that it’s ok to be sad. I don’t have to be stuck in it all day, but it’s ok to be sad and not know why. She said what causes the most anguish might be the feeling that I shouldn’t be sad or that I can only be sad for proper reasons. That was very eye-opening. It’s hard to see all the ways in which I try to manage myself in an unhealthy way. Why do I do that? I feel like I have come so far and yet I still struggle with trying to make emotions make sense.
Today I was inspired to finish my the “clean fight” I want to have with my dad about the way he treated me while I was in college. I’ve never had the opportunity to express to him how much he hurt me. I think that the way he saw me back then and even recently, was that I was a child that didn’t have feelings that could be hurt. I was something that was to be controlled with no consideration for what I thought or felt. Being able to tell him how much he hurt me and how long that hurt has lingered will be freeing for me. I need to process this with him in a way that I know he is hearing me for me to heal and for us to move forward and continue strengthen our relationship.
I never dreamed that I would be able to confront him with this. It feels scary to think about how he will take this and how he will respond. I am not looking for any explanations, just for him to hear me finally. There aren’t any explanations for what he did. There is nothing that will make this completely disappear from my psyche. But we can move forward and this is the first time I have felt moving forward was possible since it happened.
I am hopeful but I have no idea when we will really do this. As of right now, we don’t have anything scheduled and I am not going to rush things as I continue to think about what I want to say to him. I feel pretty good about what I have written so far, but I don’t want to forget anything. I don’t want to drag this out forever, so I want to just say everything at this one point in time.
And having this conversation will help me build the confidence to eventually have THE conversation with him about who I really am.