Zander's Inside Voice

I go to an awesome doctor’s office. Last year I saw the nurse practitioner for my first appointment but a few months ago I got a call that she was leaving and would I like to see the doctor instead. I said sure, because I had heard awesome things about him. The staff there is wonderful and overall it was a great appointment.

What was most awesome was everyone there called me Zander, even the registration staff and the people at the lab. And when it came time to verify my name and birthday, they just asked for last name, to prevent the awkwardness of me possibly saying the wrong name. It all felt so validating. There isn’t any place right now where I can go by Zander all the time, so it was super cool to hear nothing but that. And it confirmed for me that this is the name I want. I like the way it sounds when other people call me Zander. I don’t cringe inwardly when I hear my name like I do with my birth name.

Overall it was a great appointment and there wasn’t anything wrong. Not all of my blood work is back yet, but what had been finished is all good! I was surprised to see that, not because I’ve felt bad but because I always kinda stress about blood work and health tests. In the military they made a lot of assumptions about my health based on appearances and never took me seriously for the things that were actually wrong.

Overall today has been a great day. It feels like I am temporarily beating the seasonal depression recently, so that’s a huge win. Yesterday I had to cancel my youngest boy’s appointment with our therapist (he sees the same one I do) and she let me take that appointment, which means I get another one next week! Although I don’t feel terrible, I want to stay ahead of anything bad, especially as it gets darker earlier and I tend to get sad. It will be helpful to talk to her one extra time this month.

I have come SO FAR in beating back the medical trauma I endured in the military. From them not listening, to not telling me about test results that showed problems I was complaining about, to being downright mean about the things I was complaining about, and making assumptions that I was trying to get out of things. All of that made me shaky about going to the doctor’s office and suffering with illness rather than tolerating the harsh behavior. I was nervous today, but not shaky like I used to be. It will take some time before I can really process all the horrible things that were said to me and the horrible way I was treated.

But for today, I am definitely winning over all the bad stuff!!