Zander's Inside Voice

I gave myself a day with no expectations, nothing specific to do other than one scheduled appointment, help the kids cook dinner, and get out trash and recycling. I suppose that sounds like a lot, but it was spread out over the entire day. I also did some weeding around the flowers out front and picked up a pile of previously pulled weeds to put in the trash.

The nothingness of today was glorious. I worked really hard to not shame myself into doing more, even though I kept seeing reminders of things that are awaiting my energy. I will get to everything sooner or later, I promise. But for today, I needed a day to myself. A day of silence unless I wanted to listen to a podcast or watch a show. A day to make my own lunch when I felt like actually eating. And a day to sort of let my mind wander off about nothing in particular.

After canceling practice yesterday, I had 4 of 11 parents complain in some fashion about how their player may not make it to practice. Last night I was really set off by a very nice email once I reread it today. It felt very judgmental and almost condescending. I chose not to write back last night as I could feel the pettiness in my veins. What made me the most angry was that dad offered to help with drills and things like that during practice. Ummm what? Last season when you saw me struggling with those 13 kids, you had no desire to volunteer to help then. We’ve had two practices already and mainly I see parents gossiping on the sidelines or walking around the path with headphones on. And 3 out of 8 games, we had no volunteers for snacks. So you expect me to believe that anyone wants to come help with practice? If everyone is so willing to help, why don’t they just step onto the field at any time and volunteer? Why do you only send that in an email when I rescheduled practice? Granted, I didn’t tell anyone that I just needed last night off because it’s no one’s business. But damn, dude. You really think I can count on you to come help when I mainly see your wife bring your son to practice?

But after rereading the email, I realized that he was offering to help and he was very complimentary about what I do for the team. So yes, I did overreact. Thankfully I have learned that I need to just keep things to myself before I flip out and make a fool of myself.

My therapy appointment was great, but we both acknowledged that I am avoiding the hard stuff and staying pretty surface level with her. I think this is my third appointment with her and it is time to make the move to more serious stuff. We were just getting to know each other before and now it is time to work on things for real. I have been charged with making a list of those deep things before my next appointment in two weeks. I feel a little scared and intimidated about this for couple of reasons. One is that these things are hard to just think about. Another reason is that I’m not exactly sure I want to say some of this out loud to her. And the last reason is that I haven’t cried in front of her yet and all of these things will likely bring that out. It’s not that I want to be tough in front of her; it’s just that crying takes a lot out of me.

One of the things is that I feel like parts of me aren’t fully developed. Like my personality is immature and I don’t have convictions. I was a people pleaser for so long that I didn’t say things out loud that other people might disagree with and if I posted something on social media that caused problems, I just deleted it instead of confronting people. I used to be as unabrasive as possible so that everyone would want to be my friend. I avoided “unfriending” people on social media because I was scared I would offend someone. I have gotten over that, but it’s still in the back of my mind sometimes. This blog has been good for that, though, because I am using it to practice being me as I am and not worrying about offending people. It’s easier to start that process with people I don’t know at this point. It’s kind of addictive though. I like just saying what I want to say.

So that was my day…tomorrow I will work on that list of things that I don’t like to talk about. That’s just too much for this day of nothingness!!