Zander's Inside Voice

Hello! I had a wonderful time seeing you this weekend. I thought you threw an amazing party and everyone had such a good time. I’m really sorry I didn’t realize that I didn’t need to stay at a hotel and I just crashed in on you. Your husband said it was ok. I didn’t want to ask and impose and you never offered, so I was planning to just rent a room to stay out of the way. But I very much appreciate the effort that went into cleaning up and making space on the main floor for the party. It was great spending so much time with you.

I’ve had a secret I’ve wanted to tell you forever because I know you are a loving, supportive person who wants to be there for everyone you care about. I feel bad that I haven’t told you yet and I thought about it numerous times over this past weekend. There was no opening for it this weekend, and I missed my chance back at Thanksgiving when there was definitely an opening in the upstairs hallway. The problem was that I couldn’t tell who might quietly come up the stairs at the wrong moment and hear something that isn’t meant for them to know.

I didn’t really make a plan to tell you this past weekend. I just have this thing to tell you on the tip of my tongue every time I see you. I think about maybe messaging you or writing you a letter, although I’m not sure you’d respond to the letter. Or you might message me once you got the letter. I’m just not sure. And I don’t want to say anything around your husband. He’s definitely supportive as well and I appreciate that about him. But things haven’t been the same with him since the big fight 5 years ago. He wounded me pretty deeply by throwing things I’d confessed were deep wounds back into my face to hurt me intentionally. We’ve built a good amount of trust up since we fixed everything 3 years ago, but this weekend was the first time since 2017 that I didn’t even remember those terrible things he said to me. So I’m getting close to rebuilding the trust completely, but I am not quite there yet. I’m not even sure that I’d mind if you tell him. But I can’t tell him to his face. I can’t take that pressure yet.

Am I crazy to be nervous to tell you when I’ve seen you posting all over social media that you’re a safe person? Am I crazy to forget how well you’ve taken my other secrets and how supportive you have always been?

Has too much time gone by and now I can’t tell you? Because then I have to apologize for not telling you sooner? I’m overthinking this way too much. I am putting too much pressure on myself. I know you’d say it was crazy to apologize for taking too long to tell you; that it’s all my decision when I want to tell you something. I’m getting all mixed up inside my head now because I am thinking too deeply about all of it. It has become me trying to accommodate you in my head, instead of accommodating myself. It’s me reverting back to the people-pleasing behaviors; never putting myself first.

I imagine you’ll have lots of questions, so part of what I’ve been doing is coming up with questions you might ask and making sure I can answer them. And maybe that’s what is keeping me from telling you. Because I need to have all the answers before I clue you in and I don’t have those yet. What if I never have all the answers and I can’t bring myself to tell you anything because I think I can’t justify my secret. And I know I don’t need to justify anything to anyone. And so I calm down and build back up to maybe tell you someday soon.

Ok, I am feeling better now. I can go back to my day and thinking about when we can talk again. Maybe I will tell you then. Or maybe not. I know whenever that day comes, you will be there for me. You will always be on my side. I can’t wait to see you again. I love you and I miss you.

Me

PS – I am not sick, hurt, or having anything serious going on. I realized that I just made this way bigger than it actually is in my own head.