Zander's Inside Voice

I’m still sick. In fact, today has been worse than yesterday. I spent some time on the couch watching a documentary about the bad Chicago. I learned a lot. Mostly that my favorite music of theirs is from an era they’d prefer to forget. Weird.

I’m way ahead on NaNoWriMo. I’m averaging like 4000 words a day and I only need 1667 to finish 50,000 by the end of November. I finished early last year too. I still love this story. It’s a little different than what my original plan was, but it’s a great story. What is hard for me as a perfectionist is that it’s not my best work. I love my storytelling but I can write a little better, a little more concise, and at a higher level than this. But I want to spin out the story first and go from there. If I do finish early, I will spend the rest of the month editing the story I wrote last year. That was great too, but needs work. I can do better on that one too.

This truth I have learned is pretty intense, though. The ex has been through pilot training and has all the licenses except flight instructor. Part of our problem was always that they refused to actually follow through on anything, so instead of being a full fledged commercial pilot now, they’re bumbling around in retail while trying to fly the small plane they just had to have. Fucking idiot.

Anyway, they’ve decided to apply for a flight attendant job because it’s still flying and they are apparently too inept to do their own resume. Initially I ignored the message and didn’t do anything with it. But then they asked if I was going to help and I said sure. I slapped something together on Google Docs and said “Here it is, work on it yourself.” They acted like a dumb idiot but eventually finished it. They wanted me to look it over last night but I was busy with my own stuff so I ignored that message.

Finally today I get the message that they sent it off to the airlines this morning. Good! Look, you can actually be an adult and get your own life together without me approving every step you take.

I realize this makes me sound like the jerk but trust me, I’m not. This is the same person who belittled me in front of my friends, coworkers, their coworkers, and both of our families. And most importantly, the children. And so the oldest doesn’t think I always know what I’m talking about. I am dying to just ask the ex why I am suddenly the authority on everything after years of being told I was stupid and unable to handle anything. Perhaps that was just projection since I’m the one who has my life together.

I see the truth now. I see how easy this person had made me codependent in the past and I see how easy it is for me to NOT get sucked back into all that. I don’t want that at all. I want to live my own life and let them live theirs and just co-parent because we have to.