I am feeling empowered, in control, and really good overall.
This is a good week so far. I have done so much processing in the last few days and my appointment with my therapist on Monday really helped me get through a lot. It feels good to have gotten to this point! I feel normal, well normal ME. Which I am aware is nothing like other people’s normal and that’s ok.
My normal is high energy, high happiness. None of that is fake or me trying to be something I’m not. Old me was fake quiet and fake…reserved. I didn’t want people to know how immature, loud, and insane I actually am. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about how I learned to hide the best parts of me. It was a lot of threats, unkind words, shame, and disappointed looks from adults in my life, mainly relatives.
I was supposed to be concerned with tearing up my clothes, causing teachers to call home if I refused to follow rules, and what the neighbors would think. I did mostly behave in school but I did tear up my clothes and had the best collection of messed up play clothes. I was never concerned about the neighbors and didn’t act any particular way as if I thought they were watching. My parents should’ve spent more time lecturing my brother on this, since he was the one that had the cops show up on him more than once. My brother was reckless and stupid, but not criminal. There was this family we all disliked, who called the cops for any little thing. The mother once snapped at my brother, accusing him of sneezing on her front door intentionally to make her sick. Weird.
All of that to say that I had slipped into some really bad place recently that had me not feeling like myself. All this processing returned me back to my whole self and I feel so much better. I was negative and unhappy in general. But thankfully I am not in that place anymore.
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