Zander's Inside Voice

Today was my last day of having any Adderall. Well, generic Adderall. When I called the pharmacy to fill my prescription, I was informed that they don’t have any and it’s on backorder. That’s not cool. Once in a while I actually remember to refill it at the soonest opportunity. But usually I remember to fill it as I’m running out. Today was no exception. It used to be tied to my prescription for nightmares, which is automatically refilled. But somehow I missed too many Adderall doses and have way too much left over when the Clonidine refills. I used to get really mad at myself for missing medicine that would help me be more functional, but now I just accept it. Sometimes I get on a good routine and have long stretches of no missed doses. Other times, I only remember my morning Adderall.

Apparently my pharmacy is amazing or I’m on some different schedule than all their other Adderall people because I had no idea that there’s been a shortage since the fall. Lots of people like me, adults who are newly diagnosed since the pandemic began. The DEA determines how much can be made per year and refused to adjust that amount for 2023 and so here we are.

On today’s call, the person from the pharmacy gave me a couple other Rite Aids that showed that they had some in stock based on the shared records they all have. The first one I called from her list didn’t have any more to give me. I couldn’t remember the location of the other one she mentioned. I just shut down at that time because I just couldn’t handle any more phone calls or hearing no, we don’t have any for you. I was so panicked at the idea that I might not be able to get any for some unknown amount of time.

When my brain has shut down and I can’t do what seems like a simple task, I decide I look like some kind of idiot. The truth is that I don’t even understand why my brain gets like that. I have been fighting with this for so long that I’m not even sure what functional looks like anymore. I had so many work arounds that worked for so long. But after Girl, it seemed like everything fell apart. I couldn’t keep up anymore. There weren’t enough work arounds to help me keep it together.

11 years. 11 long years I have been in a huge struggle, unable to function in most ways. I had huge struggles at work, at home, with friends, and family. Adderall has been the only thing that has helped me see any improvement. The idea that I would be without medicine for more than a day or two was terrifying. I felt hopeless.

Then my wife stepped in. She called all the Rite Aids around here and found me some, which I picked up this afternoon. So I am good for the next 30 days. Hopefully my next refill won’t be so dramatic. It’s affecting all the stimulants prescribed for ADHD, so it’s not like there’s another option she can switch me to get through this shortage.

There should never be a shortage of anything that people need to function and/or stay alive like any medicine, baby formula, or any other huge necessity like that. Sometimes I feel like this country is on the verge of some weird collapse. I try to look at it as a necessary change for improvement eventually, but it will be painful for sure. Society does not support families, especially poor families. And also any family this isn’t white, cis, with no more than 2.5 kids, a picket fence, and one dog. It blows my mind that anyone thinks this country is perfect as is, or as it was. People do not choose to be poor. If they make decisions that keep them poor, it’s because they can’t see a way out. There are so many poor families in the community we live in that there are non-stop food giveaways, especially around the holidays. I try not to take anything so that it’s available for the families that need it. We are doing just fine compared to tons of people.

This country needs to do better. We need to do better. Let’s start by removing the rich, out of touch weasels who claim they represent us in government while they make themselves rich from lobbyist money and doing EVERYTHING on our dime. No one should claim they represent us when they’ve never run out of medicine, wondered where their next meal is coming from, or chosen a different career path because they can’t afford to go to college. They choose corporations over the people they claim to represent, while making our lives harder. Corporations should never count above average people.