Zander's Inside Voice

Wow, this here is a deep one.

As usual, I have questions. Whose death? How old am I and what stage of life am I in? Because it honestly depends on all of these things.

My grandfather died when I was five and it did not change anything for me right away. I didn’t understand what was happening. But as I got older and understood more about death, I felt so much sadness about not having more time with him. The idea that I lost him so early hurt so much. It didn’t change my perspective as much as it filled me with guilt for not understanding the permanence of loss when he died.

I’ve lost so many pets over the years and that has also filled me with great sadness. Many people I know swear they will never have a pet again after losing one, but that’s never been my perspective. I hope to always have pets in my life and although the loss of pet always hurts, I love the joy they bring to my life.

In the last few years, however, I have noticed that death seems closer to me. I have known people my age who have died tragically. All of the adults in my family of origin are now senior citizens and many have serious health struggles. Death is imminent and I hate that. Even relatives I am not close to make me feel sad when I think about how sick they are.

But just as death is imminent, life is short. My perspective now is that it is important to live your life. Not perfectly because what does that even mean? You can’t live perfectly. Well, I guess you could in a world with no one else in it. Live as though the ending could be at any time because it really could be. Tell people you love them, send people cards telling them you’re thinking about them, call loved ones, work through your traumas and issues, and make yourself happy if at all possible. For me that means not wallowing in depression, but also not shoving emotions away. Feel the pain and sadness and then let it go. Grieve the loss, hold on to your loved ones, and never think too hard about the things you wished you did differently. Learn from your mistakes and don’t make the same one again. Focus on the positive and deal with the negative.