Zander's Inside Voice

hi!

I’m glad to see you here! I’ve started 100 blogs I’ve abandoned after a couple posts because I get scared to share what’s really going on in my head. There’s a chance someone might realize I’m not actually who I pretend to be and I just can’t have that. So this is the blog I hope I can keep. Finally. But who am I?

I’m Zander in my head, but not legally and not on the outside. Not yet anyway. I am a people-watcher, retired military veteran, devoted parent, and loving spouse. I am fiercely protective of those I love and supportive of everyone I care about.

I’m an ADHD and OCD warrior. My brain works so fast that I rarely keep up with it. My mouth runs as fast as my brain and I spend a lot of time regretting what I say. My fingers also don’t type as fast as my brain, so I miss words a lot. I’m hoping I can catch that while writing here. I suffer with intrusive thoughts and having a hard time switching my brain between activities while simultaneously fighting my brain’s urge to wander among 100 different topics a minute.

I’m a PTSD warrior too. I’ve seen too much as a child, a military officer, and intense empath. I can feel people’s emotions and that sometimes causes me physical pain. I cannot handle anyone experiencing suffering, even people I don’t like. So sometimes I’m just quiet and people assume the worst in me. Honestly, I’m just quietly observing.

I love to people-watch. I like to see how people interact with their environment and everyone around them. I like to see how relationships affect people and seeing people genuinely happy with each other. I really wish I studied sociology in college because I love the study of people.

I also want to write a bunch of books, start a podcast, invent something awesome that everyone needs, help people somehow, become a professional painter, write a symphony, and win the lottery so I can make people’s lives better. But I don’t play the lottery regularly, I haven’t painted since college, and I’m not sure I have any novel ideas that would make good inventions. But I can write and I do podcast with my father sometimes for his podcast. And there’s always ways to help people.

My hope for this blog is to start sharing more about the real me that not many people know. I want to let people in and also get some things out. I want to practice writing more and also get more comfortable with putting myself out there after being guarded for so long.